My crush......:'(....(its a long one, sorry!)

Hey blogpeoples!

Just wondering if there's anyone actually reading this blog? I know there's probably not, but just if there is, I wouldn't mind some advice???

Anywhoo.....back to my thoughts!
I've a crush. I've never had such a crush in my life..............and it sucks!
It's on a guy for one. He's gay. And he's just the most fantastic guy I've ever met in my life. And.......he's taken!


I first met at the start of the summer at the second rehearsal of an operetta I was in. I had heard that there was a guy my age(18) in the show as well and to be honest I was kind of dreading him coming. I think it was because of my experiences in school and in my area. If I were to picture ANY of the guys in my school or area rehearsing in the operetta I KNOW that they would ruin it for me. This was my place to escape all the misery of my 'normal' life and I didn't want anyone coming to mess it up.
So, the second rehearsal came and he put his wet jacket down on my seat before we began.......not the best start. I went to move it so I could dry my chair and he came over to take the jacket and apologise. I thought it would take a while to feel him out and see if he was just another idiot. But, the moment he started talking, the annoyance that I thought I would feel just did not come.
I found myself wanting to talk to him. It was weird. This was not what I expected at all. But I soon found out he didn't even care that I was there. And why should he? I was just another guy in the chorus.
I then find out he was a genius of sorts. He was 18 and he had just written and produced an entire musical!! He was spectacular at the piano and had an amazing raw soft voice that I just melted when I heard.

I then assigned myself the task of finding out if he was gay, because I had my suspicions. But I really wasn't getting any chances to talk to him. He had people he talked to because he knew them from past shows, and I had a few people who I had gotten to know. But WHY couldn't I have gotten to know him?!
So the weeks went on and on and we came to opening night of the show, still with barely any speaking. We all had our costumes on and I was at the stage door, standing next to him while the overture was playing(It was very long). And we started to talk! He was telling me about his piano and where he writes music. I just loved listening to him. I'm pretty big into music as well and really loved the fact that we shared this in common! But, alas, the overture ended and we didn't really speak for the rest of the performances. But I really felt as though I was falling for this guy. I kept telling myself it was just a crush and that I'd forget about him
after the show. But we were travelling abroad to perform the show as well so that was just going to prolong my suffering.
We got on the plane and he sat next to me! And we started talking again. He was soo nice to me! But I was getting really pissed off at this stage. He was acting so nice to me but any other time when I tried to talk to him he just acted like I didn't exist or he didn't like me! But as he kept on talking my anger kept washing away.
Why did he have such an effect on me?!?

That night after dinner a few of us including him were in the kitchen talking about who was gay in the cast.
HE WAS GAY! My heart lept and I was jumping for joy in my head. Then he adds that he had a boyfriend aswell.......my heart plummeted down to my stomach. I could not remember the last time I felt so dissappointed.
I left and went to bed and felt like crying. This was not like any other crush I had ever had.
The next day was the show. I really tried to avoid him and did so with some success. After the show in the bar we got talking again and the question came up if I was gay. I said I was bi. He was surprised and said he never thought that I was. We started talking for the rest of the night all the way till 6am. I was talking with him about stuff I would never talk about with anyone. I had never enjoyed a person's company so much! But the fact still remained that he had a boyfriend.
By the end of the next day we wernt talking as much and I didnt really talk to him at all untill we landed home at the airport. We collected our bags and we all started saying goodbye to one another. He came up to me and gave me a hug goodbye. I actually almost cried as I hugged him, because I just didn't think that he would ever think the same about me.

Wwe all left and now it's about a month later and I still miss him soooo much! I've got a few pictures of the two of us on my wall. I know it's not a good idea because it's just not helping me get over him. But the fact is that I do not want to get over him. I feel so lonely without him. I find myself jsut staring at his picture for ages. At this point I don't even care if he's taken! I just want to be part of his life as a friend at least!

Is this love or just a crush????

This is the most awfull feeling in the world.......help me.....