My crush......:'(....(its a long one, sorry!) 1:08 PM

Hey blogpeoples!

Just wondering if there's anyone actually reading this blog? I know there's probably not, but just if there is, I wouldn't mind some advice???

Anywhoo.....back to my thoughts!
I've a crush. I've never had such a crush in my life..............and it sucks!
It's on a guy for one. He's gay. And he's just the most fantastic guy I've ever met in my life. And.......he's taken!


I first met at the start of the summer at the second rehearsal of an operetta I was in. I had heard that there was a guy my age(18) in the show as well and to be honest I was kind of dreading him coming. I think it was because of my experiences in school and in my area. If I were to picture ANY of the guys in my school or area rehearsing in the operetta I KNOW that they would ruin it for me. This was my place to escape all the misery of my 'normal' life and I didn't want anyone coming to mess it up.
So, the second rehearsal came and he put his wet jacket down on my seat before we began.......not the best start. I went to move it so I could dry my chair and he came over to take the jacket and apologise. I thought it would take a while to feel him out and see if he was just another idiot. But, the moment he started talking, the annoyance that I thought I would feel just did not come.
I found myself wanting to talk to him. It was weird. This was not what I expected at all. But I soon found out he didn't even care that I was there. And why should he? I was just another guy in the chorus.
I then find out he was a genius of sorts. He was 18 and he had just written and produced an entire musical!! He was spectacular at the piano and had an amazing raw soft voice that I just melted when I heard.

I then assigned myself the task of finding out if he was gay, because I had my suspicions. But I really wasn't getting any chances to talk to him. He had people he talked to because he knew them from past shows, and I had a few people who I had gotten to know. But WHY couldn't I have gotten to know him?!
So the weeks went on and on and we came to opening night of the show, still with barely any speaking. We all had our costumes on and I was at the stage door, standing next to him while the overture was playing(It was very long). And we started to talk! He was telling me about his piano and where he writes music. I just loved listening to him. I'm pretty big into music as well and really loved the fact that we shared this in common! But, alas, the overture ended and we didn't really speak for the rest of the performances. But I really felt as though I was falling for this guy. I kept telling myself it was just a crush and that I'd forget about him
after the show. But we were travelling abroad to perform the show as well so that was just going to prolong my suffering.
We got on the plane and he sat next to me! And we started talking again. He was soo nice to me! But I was getting really pissed off at this stage. He was acting so nice to me but any other time when I tried to talk to him he just acted like I didn't exist or he didn't like me! But as he kept on talking my anger kept washing away.
Why did he have such an effect on me?!?

That night after dinner a few of us including him were in the kitchen talking about who was gay in the cast.
HE WAS GAY! My heart lept and I was jumping for joy in my head. Then he adds that he had a boyfriend aswell.......my heart plummeted down to my stomach. I could not remember the last time I felt so dissappointed.
I left and went to bed and felt like crying. This was not like any other crush I had ever had.
The next day was the show. I really tried to avoid him and did so with some success. After the show in the bar we got talking again and the question came up if I was gay. I said I was bi. He was surprised and said he never thought that I was. We started talking for the rest of the night all the way till 6am. I was talking with him about stuff I would never talk about with anyone. I had never enjoyed a person's company so much! But the fact still remained that he had a boyfriend.
By the end of the next day we wernt talking as much and I didnt really talk to him at all untill we landed home at the airport. We collected our bags and we all started saying goodbye to one another. He came up to me and gave me a hug goodbye. I actually almost cried as I hugged him, because I just didn't think that he would ever think the same about me.

Wwe all left and now it's about a month later and I still miss him soooo much! I've got a few pictures of the two of us on my wall. I know it's not a good idea because it's just not helping me get over him. But the fact is that I do not want to get over him. I feel so lonely without him. I find myself jsut staring at his picture for ages. At this point I don't even care if he's taken! I just want to be part of his life as a friend at least!

Is this love or just a crush????

This is the most awfull feeling in the world.......help me.....

Life sucks......stick to theatre 11:37 AM

Ya know, if anyone does start to read this blog I just want to let ya know that I probobly wont be a great poster, or a great writer. This is just somewhere where I thought I'd let my thoughts out ya know??

Well, my background. I'm a young bi Irish guy who hasn't really been liking his life for, let's see....i dunno....a couple of years??
I guess it starts with school I guess. I'm in a crappy secondary school full of scumbags(excuse my language but there really arent any pleasent words for these people). Therefore, dont have many friends at school and my area for that matter. My area is pretty much the same as its in the same area as the school. So I was never really given a chance! lol!
Now, dont get me wrong or anything, I'm a nice guy. Not annoying. Good personality. Not ugly. I'm sporty. Do well enough in school so as not to be considered an idiot, but not soo well as to be considered a nerd or anything. I'm just normal. Dont really fall into any stereotype. I just clash with most of the personalities around me I guess. I've had friends. REALLY great friends. But they've turned out to be awfully superficial and not "REALLY great friends".
And to top that all off, since the start of secondary school I've been trying to deal with the fact that I'm bi.

So, yeah. That's kinda been the deal for the last six years of my life, more or less.

But, last year. An oppourtunity came. I was given a role in a school musical production. I was one of the supporting leads. And, the minute I stepped foot onto the stage I fell in love with it. From there my director told me of an amateur musical show being done in a theatre in town. I lept at the chance of course. Met the most amazing people and my love of theatre grew. From there another director contacted me and asked me to do another show in a different theatre in town. Again, I jumped at the chance! There, some people were not as nice. But my love of the stage did not dimish. Over the summer I found several theatre workshops. Met fantastic directors and MDs(Musical Directora).
I went into an operetta from there where we travelled abroad to perform. That show was where I met THE most amazing people. Fun loving, caring, kind people. Young and old. They were amazingly talented. I felt so happy to be apart of their show. I think it was there that I realized that I want to do this for the rest of my life.

There's someting about theatre that just let me get "away from it all", ya know??
Maybe it was the putting on a costume where I could have someone else's life for a few hours a day, for a few days. Or maybe it was the amazing people that I could REALLY be myself around. I think it was a combination of the two though.
I now count down the last few months of school untill I'm free to really embrace this life I've been missing for so many years.