Picking up the pieces...............

So guys,

I think I'm starting to pick up the pieces of my recent mental/emotional breakdown.
Dont get me wrong I still can't particularly see anything good in my life but I think I know that 'giving up' isn't really the answer yet.

I spent ALL of last night thinking/crying in town.

Last night was my school's pre-debs(sort of a pre-prom, for all you Americans out there).
It was just an excuse really for everyone to go out drinking.
I know I said that I would never go down THAT path again but tbh I couldn't have cared less at that point.

I went into the club/bar and practically everyone was there. Everyone was saying hi and shaking hands to me whn I arrived and started walking round, and that made me think......how can they be SO twofaced?! How cab they stand there and smile at me after all they'd put me through?!
I looked at all of the people from my year with their friends and girlfriends and just couldn't take anymore...

I bought two shots, downed them, and bought a small bottle of whiskey and left the bar to go and sit down somewhere in the city(it was about midnight at this stage).

I ended up sitting down on the steps of a building in some backroaded area in town with my whiskey bottle in my hand.
It was a coldish night and I kinda wished I would just fall asleep as I drink the whiskey bottle and never wake up.

I opened the bottle of whiskey and raised it to my lips but honestly couldn't take a drink. I started to cry as I let the bottle fall from my hands onto the side of the road.
I asked my self how this all happened?
If I was 'straight' this wouldn't have happened! If I was 'straight 'I wouldn't have spent the last 6years of my life struggling with my feelings!!
If I was 'straight' I wouldn't think about 'him' eveyday.
Maybe if I was 'straight' i would be a stronger person mentally, emotionally and physically?
I'd have friends.
I'd have a family I could relate and talk to.

I spent a few hours just crying and blameing myself.
Blaming others.
Blaming my parents for making me think I was worth something.

I thought about 'him' for a while.......well, maybe not a while.......alot!

But I think I've figured out why I was so hung up on him.
I'm just jealous of him.
Insanely jealous of him actually.
He has come out with little or no problems. And if he dd have problems then he had friends to help him through it. He actually had a boyfriend at that stage to help him. He had/has someone to hold him when sad and someone to congratulate him when needed.
(not to mention the fact that he's a musical genius who can do things I can only dream of!)

I pretty much figured all this out in the cold last night over a few hours. Getting home at around 6.


It kinda shows you just how important friendship is.
My "bestfriend" is no more. I've decided that he is not my friend.
He has no respect for me and is a selfproclaimed homophobe, which wouldn't be the best thing if I were to have come out to him(which I very nearly did!).

I need friends.

I know you guys are here for me, but as I said in my previous post I need something tangible!

So,
I remembered this youth group that meets in the city for young LGBTs. A guy told me about it on msn. He said that he used to go there and it was pretty good.
I know it's kind of a wierd choice of place to make friends. But tbh I don't think I have any other choice. The group is called BelongTo(http://www.belongto.org/).
I might ring them up and see what they're about. See if it's a possibility. Cause I think I just someone to really talk to ya know??

So yeah,
This should be the beginning of the end for 'him' and for my lonliness. If not, and I'm too shy/scared to go in.......in terrified of what I'll do......


****

Let me just thank you ALL for your supportive comments.

Thanks as well to Ethan, Pierre and Pilgrim for mentioning me your posts!!! Made me cry a little again...

Anywhoo....

I'll keep you guys posted on the BelongTo front.....

Thanks again!

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

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