Picking up the pieces............... 10:56 AM

So guys,

I think I'm starting to pick up the pieces of my recent mental/emotional breakdown.
Dont get me wrong I still can't particularly see anything good in my life but I think I know that 'giving up' isn't really the answer yet.

I spent ALL of last night thinking/crying in town.

Last night was my school's pre-debs(sort of a pre-prom, for all you Americans out there).
It was just an excuse really for everyone to go out drinking.
I know I said that I would never go down THAT path again but tbh I couldn't have cared less at that point.

I went into the club/bar and practically everyone was there. Everyone was saying hi and shaking hands to me whn I arrived and started walking round, and that made me think......how can they be SO twofaced?! How cab they stand there and smile at me after all they'd put me through?!
I looked at all of the people from my year with their friends and girlfriends and just couldn't take anymore...

I bought two shots, downed them, and bought a small bottle of whiskey and left the bar to go and sit down somewhere in the city(it was about midnight at this stage).

I ended up sitting down on the steps of a building in some backroaded area in town with my whiskey bottle in my hand.
It was a coldish night and I kinda wished I would just fall asleep as I drink the whiskey bottle and never wake up.

I opened the bottle of whiskey and raised it to my lips but honestly couldn't take a drink. I started to cry as I let the bottle fall from my hands onto the side of the road.
I asked my self how this all happened?
If I was 'straight' this wouldn't have happened! If I was 'straight 'I wouldn't have spent the last 6years of my life struggling with my feelings!!
If I was 'straight' I wouldn't think about 'him' eveyday.
Maybe if I was 'straight' i would be a stronger person mentally, emotionally and physically?
I'd have friends.
I'd have a family I could relate and talk to.

I spent a few hours just crying and blameing myself.
Blaming others.
Blaming my parents for making me think I was worth something.

I thought about 'him' for a while.......well, maybe not a while.......alot!

But I think I've figured out why I was so hung up on him.
I'm just jealous of him.
Insanely jealous of him actually.
He has come out with little or no problems. And if he dd have problems then he had friends to help him through it. He actually had a boyfriend at that stage to help him. He had/has someone to hold him when sad and someone to congratulate him when needed.
(not to mention the fact that he's a musical genius who can do things I can only dream of!)

I pretty much figured all this out in the cold last night over a few hours. Getting home at around 6.


It kinda shows you just how important friendship is.
My "bestfriend" is no more. I've decided that he is not my friend.
He has no respect for me and is a selfproclaimed homophobe, which wouldn't be the best thing if I were to have come out to him(which I very nearly did!).

I need friends.

I know you guys are here for me, but as I said in my previous post I need something tangible!

So,
I remembered this youth group that meets in the city for young LGBTs. A guy told me about it on msn. He said that he used to go there and it was pretty good.
I know it's kind of a wierd choice of place to make friends. But tbh I don't think I have any other choice. The group is called BelongTo(http://www.belongto.org/).
I might ring them up and see what they're about. See if it's a possibility. Cause I think I just someone to really talk to ya know??

So yeah,
This should be the beginning of the end for 'him' and for my lonliness. If not, and I'm too shy/scared to go in.......in terrified of what I'll do......


****

Let me just thank you ALL for your supportive comments.

Thanks as well to Ethan, Pierre and Pilgrim for mentioning me your posts!!! Made me cry a little again...

Anywhoo....

I'll keep you guys posted on the BelongTo front.....

Thanks again!

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

S xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

......forget it... 4:52 PM

I suppose I should thank you guys for all the comments...

But I still don't like my life.

The fact that NOTHING goes right in my life is why I think there is no point in my life.
The fact that noone cares for me is the reason why I think there's no point(I know you guys say that you support me, but tbh that dosn't help me. You're not HERE. I need something tangible to hold on to. Someone to actually listen to).

That never happens and does not seem very likely to happen...

So,

I think I'll just give up now......


S

What's the point??..... 11:51 AM

What's the point of living???
Like, what's it all leading up to?

I've just realized that there is NOT ONE aspect of my life that I like.

My family don't like me. Neither do my "friends".
I'm an idiot, therefore no guy or girls would ever even consider me on looks never mind personality!
I'm bisexual, as if I didn't have enough things to deal with.
'He' hates me.
I'm ugly.
I'm not good at anything I do.
The people in theatre just 'put up' with me rather than befriend me. I can't sing or act(what I thought I loved doing).
My coach, the person I have so much respect for, dosn't like me.

I'm not going to achieve anything in life............

So what's the point???


S

A good mood...... 4:12 PM

So,

I'm now in a good mood! For once!
And it's all because of a young guy in Paris! I thank him sooo much! Becase he got me out of my little "depression" that I've kinda been going through for the past few days!
And I'm also glad that I got to know you a little today!!


Don't really have much else to blog about. Should have something to post during the week!

Chat 2 yaz!!!!!


S xxxxxxxxx

Giving up...... 12:08 PM

Why does he hate me?
I'm his son.
Why does he treat me different to the others?
I'm his son.

I look at my friends and envy them when they talk with theirs.

That's why I can never tell him.
Because it's so bad now I can't imagine what I will be like afterwards.

I'm giving up........



S

Prayers for Bobby, and a Taekwondo night out....... 5:14 PM

So,

I watched "Prayers for Bobby" earlier today. An amazing film! Sooo sad. Tears were constantly running down my face for 45mins straight!
I think the film really hit the right notes on what young gay people go though, and the IGNORANCE of some people in society.

I found it so very touching when near the end the family of Bobby were all wearing matching t-shirts and marching in the parade together.
That's how all families should be regardless if sexuality.







The way the mum reacts when she has an argument with Bobby over his sexuality is exactly the fear I have of my parents. I don't want to leave my family to live my life how I want. But 99% of the time it seems like the only way.

If you havnt seen this film WATCH IT!!!! You won't regret it!

***

Anywhoos,

I went to the Emerald Cup tornament this evening because my friend in my taekwondo class made the Irish senior team a few weeks ago and this was his first tournament. So I thought that I would go and support him.







The tournament consisted of both a mens and womens team from Ireland, England and the USA.

When I first arrived I sat down with my instructor in the audience and awaited teams entrance. Ireland came in first with my friend in the middle looking kinda anxious. England followed and then the USA.
There was the cutest boy from England with short cropped brown hair and a perfectly toned body from the English team. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him! However, another guy from the US did catch my eye and came in at a close second on the 'smexy-scale'!
Irish lads not so much, Lol!!!!







Anyway, I found out a few things tonight.
1. The USA TKD team are REALLY WOEFUL!!! Lol (no offence any Americans out there!)

2. There are actually only two proper Irish guys on the Irish tkd team! Lmao!

3. I REALLY want one of those GIANT trophies when I hit blackbelt next summer!!!! They're sooooo cool!

***

Also, I want to say congrats to Ben(http://ben-gaymid-schooler.blogspot.com) who was elected Homecoming prince!! And was also successful in getting more than enough signatures for a petition his principal made him do to bring a boy with him to homecoming!!! (prick!)
So congrats to you Ben!!

Also, I want to congratulate Jason(http://carwinscloset.blogspot.com) who came out to his parents last week!!! I know I'm a bit late with the congrats but hey, better late than never huh?!
But seriously, I am proud of you man! It must take serious guts to do what you did! I wish I had your strength! Well done!


***

So yeah,

That's been my day.
I'm on my mid-term break now so that means no school for 9days!!!! Hurrah!!!!
It'll be nice to have a break...

I think I'll be seeing 'him' again this Friday. Ugh! I don't wanna!!!!!

Ah well, I've made it this far without whining so I won't start boring yas!!!

I think I'll go to bed now.

Haircut tomoz!!!!!! Yey!!!


Nitey nite!!!!


Sxxxxxx

Worthless........ 2:48 PM

So,

I've just got back from a vigil in my school church. A student in 3rd year has cancer in the liver and badly needs a transplant. He's travelled to England and is now waiting for a donar.

When I planned to go to the vigil
I thought there would only be a few people there. I was wrong. The church was packed out the door. And it's a big church for a school! It was sooo touching seeing everyone united supporting the student. We're a small enough school so everyone kinda knows each other, and not everyone is catholic or a particularly devout catholic. I'm not a catholic either(not aethist either, just have my own views and believe in god). But EVERYONE crowded into the church while the very beautiful vigil was held. Everyone stood when they were supposed to. Everyone knelt when they were supposed to.
I think seeing that was the proudest moment I've had in my school(and I'm not particularly fond of my school).

Halfway through the vigil I realized that no kid should be going through this. He's 14! He's right now reading a book FULL of comments from EVERY student in the school wishing him well, but he's still frail and bed bound.
He dosn't deserve to be there. He is a good kid.
Why do these things happen to the good guys instead I the bad ones?? He always was good in school and got good grades. It's just not fair.

I felt sick as I sat there realizing that I deserved to be there more than him.
I've lied, cheated, stolen, bitched, fought.
He didn't.

If I could switch places with him I would. I don't even know him really. But I know enough to know that he shouldn't be there.

His life is worth a damn sight more than mine,
Who decides that he should still be exposed to this?!

Again,

It's just a fucked up world I guess......

Sxx

S xxxx

Twitter, Exhaustion Cheryl Cole :) and Whitney Houston :(.................... 1:17 PM

Soooo,

Its been a kind of long week.

On Monday I had a maths exam for which I was completely unprepared for because I left my books in school over the weekend and couldn't study at all!!! Grr! So needless to say that didn't go so well!

And to make it worse I had parent-teacher meetings the next day(these are meetings where the parents come into the school and talk individually about the student). So they got my maths result(a D!). They weren't so pleased with that(I'm normally an A/B maths student).

Ah well!

**

I got Twitter by the end of the week as well!!!

I thought it might be a nice addition to my blog.

So add me on Twitter if you have it!!

My username is: Lonely18boy.

**

I spent some time last night on msn talking to Diz from Lovelessinmexico but I fell asleep!! So I'd like to apologize to him!! I was so tired and I fell asleep with my ipod in my hand and when I woke up my battery was dead! :(

SORRY!!!!!

**

Anyways......I'm watching the X-Factor right now(English version of American Pop Idol). Its very good. Leona Lewis came from it.

There's this guy called Lloyd Daniels. He's 16 from Wales and sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hot!!!

Here's a pic!

Isn't he just..........................AHHH...............soooooo cute!!!

And he's got a lovely voice as well! I get goosebumps just looking at him!

Also on the X-Factor, Cheryl Cole from 'Girls Aloud' performed her first solo song to the audience in what I have to say was an AMAZING performance! She sang it live which there was a bit of doubt about. But it was amazing!! She had an BRILLIANT dance routine with the performance!

And, did I mention that she was lookin' HAWT!!!! lol!

Here's a video of the performance and tell me what ya think!!!

Amazing huh!?! I LOVED the dancing!!!

Also on the show was Whitney Houston! She was terribly disappointing! she barely sung at all. And at the end when she was talking to Dermott the presenter, she was soooo fake and she was a bit of a bitch really!
Here's her video. Tell me what ya think!

Awful right!? Cheryl was sooo much better and even some of the contestants were better!!
She's lost her thang!

Anywhoos.......

Add me on Twitter and tell me what you though of the performances.

**

Ugh...........school tomorrow! And I've got NONE of my homework done! lol!

Ah well, better get to it.....


Love yas!

Sxxx

65 questions of dissatisfaction............ 10:08 AM

So,

I found this Questionnaire on Ben's, Mirrorboy's, and Octavius' blogs and I thought, meh, what the heck! I might as well do this.......

We'll see at the the end of this whether or not this was a COMPLETE waste of my time......

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
My hair, takes AGES! grr, too thick...

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
Black/grey with white and orange bits

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Not really.............wow, I havn't kissed anyone in a while!! that's depressing....:(

4. Do you plan outfits every day?
Not really. I just grab something. I plan what I wear if I'm going out somewhere nice the next day.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
Kinda lonely....

6. What’s the closest thing to you that's red?
Packet of Walker crisps

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
Havn't had a dream in a while......but the last one i remember was me going on stage but forgetting absolutely EVERYTHING that I had to do. Lines, where to go ect.......

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
nope

9. What are you craving right now?
a nice curry......mmmm

10. Do you floss?
nope

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
a head of cabbage...


12. Are you emotional?
Worryingly so.....

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
lol, yeah, sure...

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
lick :P

15. Do you like your hair?
NO!

16. Do you like yourself?
not really...

17. Would you go out to eat with George Bush?
Yes.......but only to kill him.......well, maybe not kill, that's not me.................maybe just badly hurt??

18. What are you listening to right now?
Justin Timberlake - "Future Sex Love Sounds"


19. Are your parents strict?
God yeah :(

20. Would you go sky diving?
I REALLY want to!!! Just need to save up!! :D

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
Bleugh!

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
Yeah, a few big authors (Anthony Horowitz, JK Rowling). I've also met Des Bishop(Big Irish comedian).

23. Do you rent movies often?
Nah, not really...

.24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
My 'dressy' scarf hanging from my closet door...

25. How many countries have you visited?
8-9, something like that...

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
Lol, when I was younger....

27. Ever been on a train?
Yeah

28. Brown or white eggs?
White! If I had a brown egg served to me I don't think I'd be eating it?!

29. Do you have a cell-phone?
Of course!

30. Do you use chap stick?
Yeah, bit I should use it a bit more often....

31. Do you own a gun?
Lol! No! Kinda illegal! (That's not to say that I'd get one if it were legal though! I hate them!)

32. Can you use chop sticks?
Yeah. But they're kinda annoying.....

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
Myself :(

34. Are you too forgiving?
No

35. Ever been in love?
I am in love.......it sucks......:(

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?
I don't know. I dont really have a 'best' friend anymore....

37. Ever have cream puffs?
What are cream puffs???

38. Last time you cried?
Yesterday. Almost did today.

39. What was the last question you asked?
"What are cream puffs???"

40. Favorite time of the year?
Summer!!

41. Do you have any tattoos?
Wouldn't really want one....

42. Are you sarcastic?
Of course not!!! *sarcasm*

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
Nope. I've always wanted to see it though.

44. Ever walked into a wall?
Lol!.....*sigh*.....yeah...

45. Favorite color?
Red/Blue/Pink/White/Grey..............ugh....I dunno

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
Lmao! Yeah.

47. Is your hair curly?
Nope

48. What was the last CD you bought?
wow....that was a while ago.....eh......FooFighters _ 'echoes silence patience & grace'

49. Do looks matter?
Not really, as long as they have a good personality. I'd always go for the cutie first though. I think we're all a bit shallow on the inside right?? lol

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
No

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
Don't think so....

52. Do you like your life right now?
Nope...

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
No. Don't have one in my room.

54. Can you handle the truth?
Sure. Sometimes....ikd

55. Do you have good vision?
Nope. Short-sighted. Have glasses which I have to where when i'm in class, watching tv, at the cinema. I hate them...

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
Alot more that 3 people...

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
Few times a week? I'm more of a texter.

58. The last person you held hands with?
'Him'. But that wasn't really even holding hands. He just grabbed my hand when we were mess-acting out a scene from a show we were doing......I don't think I've really held anyone's hand in a LONG time......depressing....:(

59. What are you wearing?
Blue jeans, white v-neck, my hoodie(see Q2), and my necklace

60.What is your favorite animal?
Dog


61. Where was your default picture taken at?
Got it from google???

62. Can you hula hoop?
Yep!!

63. Do you have a job?
Nah, I'm a student

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
An orange powerade from the shops a few hours ago...

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Lmao!!!! Yeah.......heheh




Yeah..........this was a complete wast of time! 


I feel completely unsatisfied!!!!!! lol!!!




Sxxx

Twitter!!! 9:02 AM

So,

Just a quick post to say that I got twitter!!! Everyone seems to have it and I thought it might be a nice addition to my blog.
So, yeah. Add me on it if you have it!!!

I'll post a proper post later on tonight!!!


Sxxx

Obama's LGBT Speech.......... 2:44 PM

So,

I was watching the news earlier and Obama's speech was being repeated. I hadn't known anything about this and I paused to watch it.

I really loved this speech.
I really feel like Obama's going to change things for the better. And I'm Irish!!!
Except for that whole Nobel Peace prize thingy! He even knew himself that he didn't really do anything to deserve it! lol!
Maybe in a year or two, yeah, then he would have deserved it; but he hasn't really done anything at the moment!
Meh, I happy for him nonetheless......

Anywhoos,

Here are some parts of his speech:


"This story, this fight continue now. And I’m here with a simple message: I’m here with you in that fight. (Applause.) For even as we face extraordinary challenges as a nation, we cannot — and we will not — put aside issues of basic equality. I greatly appreciate the support I’ve received from many in this room. I also appreciate that many of you don’t believe progress has come fast enough. I want to be honest about that, because it’s important to be honest among friends.

Now, I’ve said this before, I’ll repeat it again — it’s not for me to tell you to be patient, any more than it was for others to counsel patience to African Americans petitioning for equal rights half a century ago. (Applause.) But I will say this: We have made progress and we will make more. And I think it’s important to remember that there is not a single issue that my administration deals with on a daily basis that does not touch on the lives of the LGBT community. (Applause.) We all have a stake in reviving this economy. We all have a stake in putting people back to work. We all have a stake in improving our schools and achieving quality, affordable health care. We all have a stake in meeting the difficult challenges we face in Iraq and Afghanistan. (Applause.)

For while some may wish to define you solely by your sexual orientation or gender identity alone, you know — and I know — that none of us wants to be defined by just one part of what makes us whole. (Applause.) You’re also parents worried about your children’s futures. You’re spouses who fear that you or the person you love will lose a job. You’re workers worried about the rising cost of health insurance. You’re soldiers. You are neighbors. You are friends. And, most importantly, you are Americans who care deeply about this country and its future. (Applause.)

.................

My expectation is that when you look back on these years, you will see a time in which we put a stop to discrimination against gays and lesbians — whether in the office or on the battlefield. (Applause.) You will see a time in which we as a nation finally recognize relationships between two men or two women as just as real and admirable as relationships between a man and a woman. (Applause.) You will see a nation that’s valuing and cherishing these families as we build a more perfect union — a union in which gay Americans are an important part. I am committed to these goals. And my administration will continue fighting to achieve them.

...................

And that is why — that’s why I support ensuring that committed gay couples have the same rights and responsibilities afforded to any married couple in this country. (Applause.) I believe strongly in stopping laws designed to take rights away and passing laws that extend equal rights to gay couples. I’ve required all agencies in the federal government to extend as many federal benefits as possible to LGBT families as the current law allows. And I’ve called on Congress to repeal the so-called Defense of Marriage Act and to pass the Domestic Partners Benefits and Obligations Act. (Applause.) And we must all stand together against divisive and deceptive efforts to feed people’s lingering fears for political and ideological gain.

For the struggle waged by the Human Rights Campaign is about more than any policy we can enshrine into law. It’s about our capacity to love and commit to one another. It’s about whether or not we value as a society that love and commitment. It’s about our common humanity and our willingness to walk in someone else’s shoes: to imagine losing a job not because of your performance at work but because of your relationship at home; to imagine worrying about a spouse in the hospital, with the added fear that you’ll have to produce a legal document just to comfort the person you love — (applause) — to imagine the pain of losing a partner of decades and then discovering that the law treats you like a stranger. (Applause.)

.................

That’s the story of America: of ordinary citizens organizing, agitating and advocating for change; of hope stronger than hate; of love more powerful than any insult or injury; of Americans fighting to build for themselves and their families a nation in which no one is a second-class citizen, in which no one is denied their basic rights, in which all of us are free to live and love as we see fit. (Applause.)

This is the bit I love!............

Tonight, somewhere in America, a young person, let’s say a young man, will struggle to fall to sleep, wrestling alone with a secret he’s held as long as he can remember. Soon, perhaps, he will decide it’s time to let that secret out. What happens next depends on him, his family, as well as his friends and his teachers and his community. But it also depends on us — on the kind of society we engender, the kind of future we build.

I believe the future is bright for that young person. For while there will be setbacks and bumps along the road, the truth is that our common ideals are a force far stronger than any division that some might sow. These ideals, when voiced by generations of citizens, are what made it possible for me to stand here today. (Applause.) These ideals are what made it possible for the people in this room to live freely and openly when for most of history that would have been inconceivable. That’s the promise of America, HRC. That’s the promise we’re called to fulfill. (Applause.) Day by day, law by law, changing mind by mind, that is the promise we are fulfilling."

***

I really thought that he hit home with the last bit about the young man struggling to fall asleep. When he read that I thought about myself and how I feel exactly like that every night. I know many other bloggers feel like this as well and thats why I feel we should all look at this speech. I think that we'll all remember this speech for a REALLY long time.

Can you imagine if McCain was elected?! No speech even touching on these details would have ever been made. Palin!? lol
Can you imagine Bush making a speech like this!? Nope.

Anywhoos,

Just liked this speech and thought that I'd post something about it!


Sxxxx

Carmen...... 4:32 PM

So,
I've just come back from the opera Carmen and I can say it was AMAZING!!!
It was ALL through french which was kinda annoying at times but I could follow the basic stuff pretty well. The music was WOW!! Orchestra was WOW!!!
Cast was WOW!
I went cause I know alot of the cast from shows I've done in the past.

What I didn't realize was 'he' was in the cast aswell.....
I couldn't keep my eyes off him. Anytime he'd come on stage I just followed him everywhere on stage(he was in the chorus). He looked so cute.

After the show ended I went back to the bar and met a bunch of people I know from different shows and such. It was great to meet up with them all again.
Started talking with a girl from th show who I know pretty well. She's sooooooo nice! And really beautiful!! Lol
Anyways, we were talking about what songs i'll be singing for my leaving cert(final exams, SATs, ect). She was always interested in my music and was always advising me on what to do. We'd always chat on facebook.
So she helped me pick another piece to sing for my exams. It's a piece from Mozart's 'Magic Flute'. I had considered it before, but it's REALLY difficult! Lol But she said I'm capable and I trust her. She'd tell me it I couldn't do it.

Then..........

'He' came into the bar. He came up behind me and said "hey (lonelyboy)"
I replied by saying hey. I was actually kinda happy he actually came up and said hi.
But then he just started talking to the others around me. It was like he was ignoring me or something.
Maybe it's me. Maybe I need to make more of an effort to talk to him instead if expecting him to start up conversation.
I dunno. I kept catching myself staring at him. Then he'd look at me and our eyes would meet for 2-3 secs and I'd break it out of embarrasment. Lol

I said goodbye to everyone and left cause I've got school tomorrow :(

I walked through town back to the bus stop but I couldn't stop thinking about 'him'. I HATE the fact that he has this kind of effect on me!
I thought I was on the road to getting over him, but after seeing him tonight I realize that I've made little to no progress at all!!

This sucks......

Ugh.....

At least it was a good show.....

Sxxx



S xxxx

My attempted coming out........ 5:57 PM

So,

My day started pretty well. Got my chemistry exam back with an A grade, found €50, and had a relativley good day at school.

I was invited to my friend's 18th party today(the same friend that helped me out when I was drunk last week.....see last post).
So I had that planned for my night out.
But about an hour before the party my dad called me into the kitchen to talk to me about a porn DVD he found in my room!!!! EMBARRASING!!!!!!
But like why would he confront me about it. Either put it back or throw it away, but don't confront me about i!! Lol show a bit of discretion for a teenger!!! Lol. It was a straight porn DVD as i'm bi. Obviously I denied it was mine! Lol So he dropped that subject and went on to the next. He said he found websites on the computer(the ones I forgot to delete!) and they were gay websites! CRINGE!!
I think I had always planned on trying to come out to him(even though he's the most homophobic person ever!) if he ever caught me with any gay material. But then he started saying that he needs to be sure that I am carrying the family name with respect; and that what the guys on the websites do on those websites is ABNORMAL!!!! So, in a panic, I denied that they were mine and that the history is just from stupid popups from viruses and stuff....I didn't particularly want that moment to be the moment he disowns me! So I denied and denied....
So he dropped that subject and I left the room to get ready for the party. I guess that's kind if closed the door on me NEVER coming out to my father!!!

I got changed and went to the party. It was a nice party. Just chillaxed in his garden with his friends. He had some really nice friends. There was a REALLY hot dirty-blond guy my age with the most perfect torso. And not a bad ass to round it off!! He was so cute!!! I couldn't keep my eyes off him!! Lol

Anyways, eventually I left with my 'bestfriend'. I was walking along the footpath with him and I realized that this was the perfect time to come out to him.
I started to ease us onto the topic by telling him about this gay guy I know who's my age....he laughs when I say the guy is gay.....I asked him why he laughed. He just said that he was a homophobe. Shit.
I asked him what's wrong with being gay and he just gave the usual shit about if two men were supposed to be together then we'd have vaginas. Bollox talk.
I asked "what if I were gay? Would you still be my friend?"
He replied by saying that "yeah I would be but I would treat you differently". So that was an obvious no to my qustion then!
I felt sick. I was counting on him to be then one to stick by me for sure when I was to come out. Tears started to build. Luckily we had come to our estates and we parted ways.

So I sit here. Writing this post after being COMPLETLY put down by my father(but, to be honest, I expected it from him), and my best friend(the one person I was counting on!).

I can't believe this. Tears on running down my face now as I think about my future and how will others react in my life, and how I'll be who I want to be when I'm older.



Fucked up world.............

Sxx

A new leaf..... 1:44 PM

Ok, before you start to read this post I really want you not to judge me and not stop reading my blog when you read this post.........


I went to my "friend's" 18th birthday party last night.
I went out with the intention of getting drunk.
I know it was recommended in a previous post that I shouldn't but, to be honest, things just keep getting worse in my life and I really just wanted to forget for a while.

Ok, I've been drunk before. But never REALLY bad.
Yesterday was REALLY bad. I ended up getting lead out the back by security because I started to get sick. I was getting sick at the side of the road for god only knows how long. A young couple were walking by and they stopped to see if I was alright. They stayed with me rubbing my back as a puked my ring up.
They rang my friends with my phone after I managed to spit up a name for them to call.
My "friends" arrived and helped me up. Three out of the four of them left but one of them stayed with me. He was my BEST friend since I was like 5, up until we went to different high schools.
But he was there last night and stayed with me when I was at my worst. He brought me back to his place and let me sleep in the spare bed.
It is EXTREMELY comforting to know that the friendship we had those years ago is still there.
I will always be sooo grateful to him for being there for me last night.

I have now made a promise to myself to NEVER let myself go back to that place.
No more drink. I will not let anyone affect me like they have ever again.

I actually have tears in my eyes as I write this post.

I'm turning over a new leaf.......

I'm starting a new life.....

I'm actually a little scared right now...........


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Ugh.....a girl 6:45 AM

So, I'm on my way to a date!
Catch: it's with a girl! Ugh!

She asked me if I wanted to meet up today and I said "eh, sure".
I don't know why I did. I think I have a problem saying "no".
Yeah, I need to fix that.

Like, she's good looking and all. And we've known each other for a while. But at the moment I think I'm partial to guys. I want a strong guy to comfort me at this stage of my life. I don't want to be the strong one in the relationship at the mo. That's not selfish of me or anything, I'm just in 'that' kind of place ya know.
Ugh! I'm kinda dreading this.
I think I'll just say later on that I think we shud just be friends.
"it's not you, it's me".....yadda yadda ect ect.....

That's just the way my life goes I guess......


S xxxx

Coooool!!!!! 3:59 AM

I found an application in the istore for blogger!!!! Whoop!! Posts ALL the time now!!! Lol!!!


S xxxx

Justin Timberlake!!!!!.......... 2:24 PM

So.....
I was on the bus on my way into town today and I turned on my ipod.
I was flicking through the songs deciding what to listen to and I was looking for something kinda relaxing to listen to. I went through the A's and B's and came to Justin Timberlake. I pretty much went by him but caught myself thinking something like "Ah, that's my sister's", "That's not what I listen to", "I don't want to be caught listening to that". But then I thought to myself, 'Why!?" I've pretty much accepted your sexuality. Why should I listen to all the preconceived notions that have been hammered into my head over the years at school??
There shouldn't be anything that I shouldn't listen to because they might be considered 'gay' to listen to!

So I put on JT and I found my new favorite artist!!
I had about 3 albums on my ipod because my sister and I share our itunes.
I listened to ALL of the songs while I was in town! I was wowed! I love him now! He's also REALLY cute judging by his album covers!! lol!


I really hope he plays in Ireland soon!!!!


S xxxx

Getting over 'him'...... 11:05 AM

Ok.....

I decided something while walking home from school today...

I'm getting over 'him', even if it's gonna kill me!
I mean, there's just no point in crying over him. He's taken and there's nothing I can do about it.
Maybe, one day, he'll be single again and maybe, maybe, something might happen(I wish), but until that time I'm going to get on with my life.
Look for other guys. Get on with my life.
Finally!

This is a step forward,

And it's such a relief!!!


S xxxxxxx