Monday, November 9, 2009

My guard........

So,

Another day gone.....

I've been thinking about my whole 'being bi' situation and going to BeLonGTo and whatnot all day. And I think that going to B2 yesterday has kind of given me that complete acceptance of myself. It's shown me how much of a "normal" life I can lead. It's shown me who are the type of friends i should make, instead of the hypocritical bullshitters i had for friends!
But tbh, along with all this acceptance of myself I think my 'guard' has dropped a bit. The guard I have built for myself over the past 5/6 years has weakened significantly.....after just one day!!!! Argh!!! My full personality is shining through but i don't want it to yet. I'm not ready for everyone to see me yet.
I know i'm fine with my sexuality now but I could never come out to my school! If I were to come out the abuse I would get would never end and I'd end up spiraling into another depression which I'm only pulling myself out of right now! I think after my final exams of this year(the start of summer 2010) I'll be coming out to pretty much everyone. I'll be taking part in next summer's 'Pride parade' with B2 and everything! And I'm looking forward to that!

Just back from taekwondo and I'm shattered! (Was such a tough session today!) But when I was getting changed in the changing rooms I was thinking that I don't think I could really ever come out to my club. It's a place where testosterone rules, and any kind of "weakness" would lessen the respect the group would have for me. And tbh I'm not angry at them for that. It's 'that' type of place and the guard and mask i wear is 'part and parcel' of the sport if you will.

So I think that there are times and situations where it's alright to "lie" about your sexuality. And I know alot of people won't agree with me but unfortunately that's the kind of world we live in at the moment and we have to adapt to what is accepted and what is not(on a small scale level, like in the sports hall).

But then again you could argue the fact that if we don't fight for the small things we won't get anywhere with the big things......

But hey.....I'm just rambling, writing my thoughts down.

Sorry if I'm not being that clear.

Just a few thoughts.......


Anywhoos.......

Talk to yas l8r!!!!

Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Posted by LonelyBoy

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's realy nice to see you so possative - I think the only person to decide who you share your sexuality with must be you and I'm very pleased to see that you have not lost your survival instinct and there is a time and place to let your hair down and you are the only one who knows that time and place.
Now that you have taken the first step, small steps till you are ready to stride out is very sensible.
The very best of luck Stef.

November 9, 2009 at 4:37 PM
Just said...

I think only you know when you can truly come out ... there is always going to be the people that going to disagree with this... But you are the one that has to deal with the fall out , not them..Not all places deal with these issues the same, and not every where has the same protection from these outburst it is a fucking shame , but it is the way it is ... Always say safety first. Still so proud of you. Still pulling for you too. Love Just

November 9, 2009 at 5:38 PM
Anonymous said...

I agree it's not always a good idea to come out hince my reason for not coming out but at the same time I hope it wont last forever

November 9, 2009 at 6:03 PM
Aaron said...

writing down your thoughts are good. :D and im not going to comment on those thoughts because its important for us to work on our own thoughts to learn resilience. :) so i'll let u figure out your own path and fight your own future.

on that note, if you think testosterone and sexuality doesn't mix together, i had the honour to be involved with the national man week in australia and got to listen to this incredible man's story.

http://www.theage.com.au/national/transsexual-takes-to-the-footy-field-20090606-bz7v.html

a more in-depth interview on here
http://www.abc.net.au/triplej/hack/notes/s2612594.htm

aussie footie is like american's footie, except more violent - i.e. no helmet or protective gears at all. :)

November 9, 2009 at 6:48 PM
Anonymous said...

You are the only one that decides who you should come out to. Don't ever feel pressured to do anything you don't want. It's your life.

And I, wholeheartedly agree, with your decision. And good job on everything that's been happening. That's taking the bull by the horns.

It's also not really lying if they don't ask you about it...passive deception.

I think there will come a day when you can fight those little battles...

November 9, 2009 at 9:30 PM
naturgesetz said...

I'm glad the day went so well for you and that you've reached that level of self-acceptance. You seem to have a very good take on coming out. Your sexuality is nobody's business unless you choose to tell them. So there's nothing wrong with keeping it to yourself, and only telling people whom you want to share the information with. And if you're not coming out to the world, when you do tell someone, first tell them to keep it to themselves, and before you tell them, try to be sure that they are the type who can really keep a secret (and not the kind who would say, "I can keep a secret — it the people I share it with who can't.")

And I'll remind you that accepting yourself as who you are does not necessarily imply how you will behave. For one thing you can be as straight-acting or flamboyant as you wish. More importantly, you can decide whether or not to have sex; and if you do decide to have sex with guys, you can decide whether you will reserve it for a committed relationship, go for random, anonymous hookups, have friends with benefits, or any other variant. Just be sure what your moral standards are, and try to live up to them.

You accept yourself now. God has always loved you and still does and always will.

<3

November 10, 2009 at 8:02 AM
Biki Honko said...

Good for you! A very hard step! A very brave thing for you to do! And while there were some snots there, most of the teens there were wonderful, right?

A big bright huge hug for doing the hard thing, being brave and giving it an honest try.

Now that this giant first step has been made, your new friends will validate your feelings and worries, because they live it also.

Onward and upward!
Biki

November 10, 2009 at 12:57 PM
Dzyan said...

Took me forever to get to comment, sorry :S but what can I say it hasn´t been already said? like FMS said, only you can decide who you want to tell, when you feel comfortable enough with someone and would like him/her to know you might entrust them with that kind of information, it´s not really lying, it´s just concealing, pray for the day no one should hide such a thing from everyone else like it´s something bad, but for now we have a secret no one else knows and we can look at them with a face of "as if you know me".

In my case I would never tell people like my grandparents, not interested in what they might say -maybe a little scared because I love them- and most of the people at the gym know about me, changed the way they treated me at first, but then they realized nothing in me changed and now I´m gladly myself there, but that´s not so much like the tatami. Your choice always and no pressures.

Love
Me

November 11, 2009 at 10:58 AM

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