Alone...

Once again I find my self pretty much alone.
I look back over my posts and it looks like I have come a long way, but I really havnt. Nothing that bears any significance anyway.

Yes, over the past few months I have come to accept who I am. I've come out to my mum. I made that first trip to BeLonGTo. But I am still here in bed think to myself that I 'still' have noone. No friends to talk to when I need them the most.
I have "aquaintances". That is all. Many many aquaintances. No true friends. I thought I might be making friends in B2 but it seems as though Patrick(my ex) has destroyed any chance of that happening. The people who I was trying to make friends with are also his friends and their attitude has changed towards me and I know it's because of him.

I just keep thinking to myself what if I hadn't lost my best friend back in september. For those of you who don't remember. I tried coming out to my very best friend and before I did I tried to see what his reaction would be. It turns out it would have been a bad one. I asked him(in the context of a conversation about a gay guy in a show I did) how would he feel if I was gay? He responded hestitantly by saying that I would still be his friend but he would treat me differently. You cannot imagine how heartbreaking it was to hear that. To, in that instant, lose someone who you thought was your absolute beat friend. And with him I lost others.
And now I'm back in that position with no one to talk to. No one's shoulder to cry on.
My life really does suck. Even the people who are in the show I'm doing are a bit assholish.
So I don't even have that to escape to.

I need help.

I need a release.

Ugh...

FML


S