........so this isn't working out as I'd hoped it would....

Ya know, this whole 'College being a brand new start thing' isn't quite working out as I'd originally hoped.

I've been looking forward to college for the past 2-3 years thinking that when I got here I'd be completely myself, and I'd make friends and have actual people to talk to.
Yeah....eh....that's not really what's happend.

I think it's my fault. I'm just really anti-social it turns out. I'm always just too exhausted to go out to parties and such. That's mainly because of the ridiculous amount of rehearsals I have on at the moment for two shows. But I think that it's also part of me being a little depressed. I have the best time in rehearsals. I'm really 'fitting in' there and feel like that's where I belong. But there's always that part of my brain that keeps telling me that this won;t last. When you're finished this you'll be back at home...alone....and back at college....alone....back to the 'real world'. This is really where the title of my blog comes in: life really does suck....theatre is a different life for me. I WISH that could be my life. That I could just do it all day everyday. But I don't think that's gonna happen anytime soon.

I know NOONE who's doing my course! Everyone else I know is doing arts subjects, which means they're always on the other side of campus. I wish I could just start talking to someone and make friends that way. But the thing is with my course is that for the first two years of my course(which is a specialized nanoscience degree with only 9 people in it) all my lectures are with the general science students,...all 250 of them. So the person I meet on Monday might not been seen again for another couple of months. :/

I'm sitting here in college on a bench....by myself. I'm watching people go by happy and getting on with their days. I sit here cold(because it's raining) and tired, and feeling like I wanna go home and sleep for a week.

**

I've started rehearsals for 'Beauty and the Beast'(The musical). They started on wedensday. I walked in a bit late, as I had lectures till 8, and what was the first thing that I saw????????
'Him' with his boyfriend.
.....right........
Now, even though his boyfriend turns out to be a really nice guy and all, I don't think I could take 2.5 months of this.
*sigh*

**

I've also realized something recently.......I've never been in love.
That is something I crave sooooooooooo badly. Not just for someone to love me, but for me actually to love someone. I've never loved someone.
Depressing.

That's my life........FML.....


Sxxxxx