Picking up the pieces............... 10:56 AM

So guys,

I think I'm starting to pick up the pieces of my recent mental/emotional breakdown.
Dont get me wrong I still can't particularly see anything good in my life but I think I know that 'giving up' isn't really the answer yet.

I spent ALL of last night thinking/crying in town.

Last night was my school's pre-debs(sort of a pre-prom, for all you Americans out there).
It was just an excuse really for everyone to go out drinking.
I know I said that I would never go down THAT path again but tbh I couldn't have cared less at that point.

I went into the club/bar and practically everyone was there. Everyone was saying hi and shaking hands to me whn I arrived and started walking round, and that made me think......how can they be SO twofaced?! How cab they stand there and smile at me after all they'd put me through?!
I looked at all of the people from my year with their friends and girlfriends and just couldn't take anymore...

I bought two shots, downed them, and bought a small bottle of whiskey and left the bar to go and sit down somewhere in the city(it was about midnight at this stage).

I ended up sitting down on the steps of a building in some backroaded area in town with my whiskey bottle in my hand.
It was a coldish night and I kinda wished I would just fall asleep as I drink the whiskey bottle and never wake up.

I opened the bottle of whiskey and raised it to my lips but honestly couldn't take a drink. I started to cry as I let the bottle fall from my hands onto the side of the road.
I asked my self how this all happened?
If I was 'straight' this wouldn't have happened! If I was 'straight 'I wouldn't have spent the last 6years of my life struggling with my feelings!!
If I was 'straight' I wouldn't think about 'him' eveyday.
Maybe if I was 'straight' i would be a stronger person mentally, emotionally and physically?
I'd have friends.
I'd have a family I could relate and talk to.

I spent a few hours just crying and blameing myself.
Blaming others.
Blaming my parents for making me think I was worth something.

I thought about 'him' for a while.......well, maybe not a while.......alot!

But I think I've figured out why I was so hung up on him.
I'm just jealous of him.
Insanely jealous of him actually.
He has come out with little or no problems. And if he dd have problems then he had friends to help him through it. He actually had a boyfriend at that stage to help him. He had/has someone to hold him when sad and someone to congratulate him when needed.
(not to mention the fact that he's a musical genius who can do things I can only dream of!)

I pretty much figured all this out in the cold last night over a few hours. Getting home at around 6.


It kinda shows you just how important friendship is.
My "bestfriend" is no more. I've decided that he is not my friend.
He has no respect for me and is a selfproclaimed homophobe, which wouldn't be the best thing if I were to have come out to him(which I very nearly did!).

I need friends.

I know you guys are here for me, but as I said in my previous post I need something tangible!

So,
I remembered this youth group that meets in the city for young LGBTs. A guy told me about it on msn. He said that he used to go there and it was pretty good.
I know it's kind of a wierd choice of place to make friends. But tbh I don't think I have any other choice. The group is called BelongTo(http://www.belongto.org/).
I might ring them up and see what they're about. See if it's a possibility. Cause I think I just someone to really talk to ya know??

So yeah,
This should be the beginning of the end for 'him' and for my lonliness. If not, and I'm too shy/scared to go in.......in terrified of what I'll do......


****

Let me just thank you ALL for your supportive comments.

Thanks as well to Ethan, Pierre and Pilgrim for mentioning me your posts!!! Made me cry a little again...

Anywhoo....

I'll keep you guys posted on the BelongTo front.....

Thanks again!

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

S xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

......forget it... 4:52 PM

I suppose I should thank you guys for all the comments...

But I still don't like my life.

The fact that NOTHING goes right in my life is why I think there is no point in my life.
The fact that noone cares for me is the reason why I think there's no point(I know you guys say that you support me, but tbh that dosn't help me. You're not HERE. I need something tangible to hold on to. Someone to actually listen to).

That never happens and does not seem very likely to happen...

So,

I think I'll just give up now......


S

What's the point??..... 11:51 AM

What's the point of living???
Like, what's it all leading up to?

I've just realized that there is NOT ONE aspect of my life that I like.

My family don't like me. Neither do my "friends".
I'm an idiot, therefore no guy or girls would ever even consider me on looks never mind personality!
I'm bisexual, as if I didn't have enough things to deal with.
'He' hates me.
I'm ugly.
I'm not good at anything I do.
The people in theatre just 'put up' with me rather than befriend me. I can't sing or act(what I thought I loved doing).
My coach, the person I have so much respect for, dosn't like me.

I'm not going to achieve anything in life............

So what's the point???


S

A good mood...... 4:12 PM

So,

I'm now in a good mood! For once!
And it's all because of a young guy in Paris! I thank him sooo much! Becase he got me out of my little "depression" that I've kinda been going through for the past few days!
And I'm also glad that I got to know you a little today!!


Don't really have much else to blog about. Should have something to post during the week!

Chat 2 yaz!!!!!


S xxxxxxxxx

Giving up...... 12:08 PM

Why does he hate me?
I'm his son.
Why does he treat me different to the others?
I'm his son.

I look at my friends and envy them when they talk with theirs.

That's why I can never tell him.
Because it's so bad now I can't imagine what I will be like afterwards.

I'm giving up........



S

Prayers for Bobby, and a Taekwondo night out....... 5:14 PM

So,

I watched "Prayers for Bobby" earlier today. An amazing film! Sooo sad. Tears were constantly running down my face for 45mins straight!
I think the film really hit the right notes on what young gay people go though, and the IGNORANCE of some people in society.

I found it so very touching when near the end the family of Bobby were all wearing matching t-shirts and marching in the parade together.
That's how all families should be regardless if sexuality.







The way the mum reacts when she has an argument with Bobby over his sexuality is exactly the fear I have of my parents. I don't want to leave my family to live my life how I want. But 99% of the time it seems like the only way.

If you havnt seen this film WATCH IT!!!! You won't regret it!

***

Anywhoos,

I went to the Emerald Cup tornament this evening because my friend in my taekwondo class made the Irish senior team a few weeks ago and this was his first tournament. So I thought that I would go and support him.







The tournament consisted of both a mens and womens team from Ireland, England and the USA.

When I first arrived I sat down with my instructor in the audience and awaited teams entrance. Ireland came in first with my friend in the middle looking kinda anxious. England followed and then the USA.
There was the cutest boy from England with short cropped brown hair and a perfectly toned body from the English team. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him! However, another guy from the US did catch my eye and came in at a close second on the 'smexy-scale'!
Irish lads not so much, Lol!!!!







Anyway, I found out a few things tonight.
1. The USA TKD team are REALLY WOEFUL!!! Lol (no offence any Americans out there!)

2. There are actually only two proper Irish guys on the Irish tkd team! Lmao!

3. I REALLY want one of those GIANT trophies when I hit blackbelt next summer!!!! They're sooooo cool!

***

Also, I want to say congrats to Ben(http://ben-gaymid-schooler.blogspot.com) who was elected Homecoming prince!! And was also successful in getting more than enough signatures for a petition his principal made him do to bring a boy with him to homecoming!!! (prick!)
So congrats to you Ben!!

Also, I want to congratulate Jason(http://carwinscloset.blogspot.com) who came out to his parents last week!!! I know I'm a bit late with the congrats but hey, better late than never huh?!
But seriously, I am proud of you man! It must take serious guts to do what you did! I wish I had your strength! Well done!


***

So yeah,

That's been my day.
I'm on my mid-term break now so that means no school for 9days!!!! Hurrah!!!!
It'll be nice to have a break...

I think I'll be seeing 'him' again this Friday. Ugh! I don't wanna!!!!!

Ah well, I've made it this far without whining so I won't start boring yas!!!

I think I'll go to bed now.

Haircut tomoz!!!!!! Yey!!!


Nitey nite!!!!


Sxxxxxx

Worthless........ 2:48 PM

So,

I've just got back from a vigil in my school church. A student in 3rd year has cancer in the liver and badly needs a transplant. He's travelled to England and is now waiting for a donar.

When I planned to go to the vigil
I thought there would only be a few people there. I was wrong. The church was packed out the door. And it's a big church for a school! It was sooo touching seeing everyone united supporting the student. We're a small enough school so everyone kinda knows each other, and not everyone is catholic or a particularly devout catholic. I'm not a catholic either(not aethist either, just have my own views and believe in god). But EVERYONE crowded into the church while the very beautiful vigil was held. Everyone stood when they were supposed to. Everyone knelt when they were supposed to.
I think seeing that was the proudest moment I've had in my school(and I'm not particularly fond of my school).

Halfway through the vigil I realized that no kid should be going through this. He's 14! He's right now reading a book FULL of comments from EVERY student in the school wishing him well, but he's still frail and bed bound.
He dosn't deserve to be there. He is a good kid.
Why do these things happen to the good guys instead I the bad ones?? He always was good in school and got good grades. It's just not fair.

I felt sick as I sat there realizing that I deserved to be there more than him.
I've lied, cheated, stolen, bitched, fought.
He didn't.

If I could switch places with him I would. I don't even know him really. But I know enough to know that he shouldn't be there.

His life is worth a damn sight more than mine,
Who decides that he should still be exposed to this?!

Again,

It's just a fucked up world I guess......

Sxx

S xxxx