Life sucks.....stick to theatre

'Falling' and mixed messages........

2011-01-28T04:49:00.000-08:00

It's been AGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS since my last post so I thought I better do some updating! :D

So, where did we leave off?? Ah yes, college wasn't working out as planned and 'he' had just turned up at rehearsals with his boyfriend :S

So, I'll start with college.
I'm still not as sociable as I'd like to be. I basically don't talk to anyone in or out of lectures. It pretty much sucks. I never get to go out with my course because I'm always stuck in rehearsals for some kind of show in the evening :S I actually feel like crap :( That's all there is to say about that.

**

Aaaanywho, rehearsals for Beauty and the Beast started back in October as you know and 'he' turned up with his boyfriend which threw me a little. However, a few weeks in the the rehearsals he talked to me on Facebook saying that he's not doing the show anymore because his lung collapsed(it's happened before, he's grand now). His boyfriend subsequently dropped out of the show because I think he didnt want to do the show without 'him'. Then, while 'he' was in hospital he was on his laptop on Facebook one night and started talking to me again. We ended up talking for HOURS. Up until 4am in the morning I think! We talked about all different kinds of stuff. Then we started(well 'he' started) playing the question game(where you keep asking questions to the other person) which always gets very personal, and this time was no different. He was asking me the most PERSONAL of questions and I was stuggling to ask them back, because I'm not normally a very questions kind of person. An example question would have been: "Top or bottom", "How 'big' are you", "Perfect guy description", "Who you masturbaed to last".............like......WTF!?!?!?!? lol
And I'm afraid to say that I answered them all :S I told him things I probably really shouldn't have :
S In fairness, he answered the same questions. But that lasted for hours. Eventually we both went to sleep. :P
We talked once or twice after that. He came to see Beauty and the Beast when it was on over Christmas and the new year(It turned out to be an awesome show and one of the best casts I've ever worked with. I think I've made one or two friends form that), and we talked in the foyer for a while after the show. He then asked me if I was able to work stage crew for him in a show he was doing in town. He was directing and Musical Directing 'The Wizard of Oz' for a local musical theatre group. So I gladly agreed as I had never worked backstage before and thought it might be nice to try.
So I went along to the dress rehearsal(which went horrifically by the way :P) and his boufriend was also there backstage :( He was helping build the set as I was, but he was going to be up at the top doing the lights. So that was a bit of a relief. Just cause I feel awkward around him. Anyway, the show went ahead, I got to see lots of 'him' backstage. It was really great. I think our friendship is growing :) I also found that when I watched him directing the kids and when I saw him conducting the orchestra.....I found it(strangely) sexy :P Like, VERY sexy. I'm so strange, haha! :P
So the show ran for a week. It was a VERY stressfull show, but in the end it turned out to be a lovely little show to be a part of :) I also got a chance to properly talk to 'his' boyfriend both during and after the show in the pub when everything was finished. We actually got on really well. He's a really nice guy. Very funny. Which kinda makes me more comfortable around him now. So that can only be a good thing. I actually only just checked my facebook there and he asked me if I wanted to go out with him and a couple of friends next Tuesday. That was nice. I guess I'll go. Might be fun :P

I also met up with 'him' yesterday. We were supposed to go see a play that was on in my university called: 'The Laramie Project'(About Matthew Shepherd who died from a vicious hate crime). He ended up being late anyways and we wern't allowed in :( So we went about town(because my university is right in the middle of town) and we got soemthing to eat, went about a few shops, and just talked for ages. It was just LOVELY. I've COMPLETELY fallen for him again :S *sigh*
We've also talked loads on Facebook. He says that his boyfriend still isn't the type of person he sees himself with(he's his only boyfriend ever). But he is afraid that if he were to break up with him he would regret it in the future. I was telling him he should stop thinking about that kind of stuff because he's too young(19) to be thinking of who he's gonna spend his life with :S
We really connect, ya know?? He is just THE PERFECT person. :(
Ah well, at least our friendship is stronger than ever. And I think I can live with that for now :)
I'm meeting him and his boyfriend to see 'The Laramie Project' in 20mins. So hopefully he's be on time :P

**

Aaaanyways, I've now started rehearsals for 'Fiddler on the Roof'. It's a fully professional production and the cast is amazing. Big names in Ireland are in this :D Can't wait for it.
It's in a theatre in Dublin that I've always wanted to perform in since I was a little kid. This theatre holds the biggest panto in Ireland every year and I used to go and see them with my family. I always fantasised about being on that stage. And now I'm in a full blown professional production of a musical there! Dream come true really! :D :D

**

I've also been texting this other guy I met through a friend from BATB. Now he's nothing like 'him', but he is awesome. He's goodlooking, a gymnast, dancer. Very funny. We've been texting pretty much every day since the new year. However, he's constantly sending me mixed messages. I can't make heads or tails of whether he 'likes' me or not. :S Sometimes he can be REALLY suggestive but then other times he'll completely negate it with another message :( I'm going to see him in a dance show tonight with some others and we'll see what happens. I don't think anything will happen though. I'm pretty sure he likes someone else. But sure ah well :S

**

So yeah, thats my life up to date :D Wow, that was longer than I thought it would be! :D

I'll try to post more often, it's not like I have much to do :P

Love,

Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

........so this isn't working out as I'd hoped it would....

2010-10-29T03:18:00.000-07:00

Ya know, this whole 'College being a brand new start thing' isn't quite working out as I'd originally hoped.

I've been looking forward to college for the past 2-3 years thinking that when I got here I'd be completely myself, and I'd make friends and have actual people to talk to.
Yeah....eh....that's not really what's happend.

I think it's my fault. I'm just really anti-social it turns out. I'm always just too exhausted to go out to parties and such. That's mainly because of the ridiculous amount of rehearsals I have on at the moment for two shows. But I think that it's also part of me being a little depressed. I have the best time in rehearsals. I'm really 'fitting in' there and feel like that's where I belong. But there's always that part of my brain that keeps telling me that this won;t last. When you're finished this you'll be back at home...alone....and back at college....alone....back to the 'real world'. This is really where the title of my blog comes in: life really does suck....theatre is a different life for me. I WISH that could be my life. That I could just do it all day everyday. But I don't think that's gonna happen anytime soon.

I know NOONE who's doing my course! Everyone else I know is doing arts subjects, which means they're always on the other side of campus. I wish I could just start talking to someone and make friends that way. But the thing is with my course is that for the first two years of my course(which is a specialized nanoscience degree with only 9 people in it) all my lectures are with the general science students,...all 250 of them. So the person I meet on Monday might not been seen again for another couple of months. :/

I'm sitting here in college on a bench....by myself. I'm watching people go by happy and getting on with their days. I sit here cold(because it's raining) and tired, and feeling like I wanna go home and sleep for a week.

**

I've started rehearsals for 'Beauty and the Beast'(The musical). They started on wedensday. I walked in a bit late, as I had lectures till 8, and what was the first thing that I saw????????
'Him' with his boyfriend.
.....right........
Now, even though his boyfriend turns out to be a really nice guy and all, I don't think I could take 2.5 months of this.
*sigh*

**

I've also realized something recently.......I've never been in love.
That is something I crave sooooooooooo badly. Not just for someone to love me, but for me actually to love someone. I've never loved someone.
Depressing.

That's my life........FML.....

Sxxxxx

Shows, shows, shows.....and 'him'.......

2010-10-16T17:06:00.000-07:00

Hey Blogland!

Another long overdue post!
Sorry! I've been very busy with rehearsals for a few shows. The first was 'The Pirates of Penzance'. It was a spectacular show! The best show I've been involved with to date! We had a fantastic line-up of main principals! Very accomplished across Europe were the stars of this show, so we had a lot to live up to! :P
It was such a physical show! I'm still finding bruises I didn't know I had on my body! :P
It ran for a total of 6 nights, with a matinee and an evening performance on the last day!
Here's two of the promotional pictures for it! I'm not in them as it's only the main leads! :P

It was a fantastic show and now it's over :'( And I just finished another show after that! It was the opera 'La Traviata'. It was also in the National Concert Hall. It's a professional company so it's tough work! The music was very hard to learn but it's beautiful music and exactly what I love singing! :)
The girl in white in the photo above is playing the lead in the opera. She's AMAZING!!! And she's just lovely. Not a diva in anyway(which is hard to find in this profession). She's tipped to be the 'next big thing in Irish Opera'. So it's an honor to work with her!

Also, rehearsals are well underway for a show called 'Showstoppers'. It's also in the National Concert Hall. I actually can't wait for this one because I've got a part in it! I'm in several group numbers and I got the part of 'Action' for the 'West Side Story' number 'Officer Krupke'! I'm soooo excited :) And also, they're doing numbers from shows like 'Hairspray', 'Wicked', 'My Fair Lady', 'Sweet Charity'! It's gonna be brilliant! We've got a professional choreographer directing the show and choreographing it. She's brilliant. For the finale of the show we're doing 'You can't stop the beat' from 'Hairspray'! I cannot wait to dance to that! Heehee, I'm sooo excited!! :P
Here's the poster for it :

Also, in other news I got a new laptop from which I'm currently blogging! :) It's brilliant! I love it so much. It's HD and all, so I can watch all my hd films on my computer :) :) And it's nice and compact for college which started a few weeks ago. College is brilliant! I love it so much! :P
So yeah, that's my life to date. However, still no boyfriend :'( I met 'him'(see this post) again in 'La Traviata'. He was also in the chorus. It was soooooooooooooooo difficult seeing him again. I'm falling for him all over again. :( I also just came back from a trip down the country to promote another show starting at Christmas. It's the Wizard of Oz and I had to dress up as the 'tin man', 'he' had to dress up as the 'scarecrow' and another guy dressed up as the 'lion'. And we also had 'dorothy' there too.
So that was hard sitting right next to 'him' for 2hours in the car up and back from the trip. We get on soooooooooooo well though! :( It's sickening! He sends out so many signals as if he's interested! I'm so confused! He's still going out with his boyfriend. They're going out for about 18 months now. But he was telling me in the car that his bf isn't the type of person who he would have seen himself with. I don't know what that means! :S He also said that they've had a few fights because hus bf is a very jealous person. I have no idea of what to make of him!
It's killing me and I know that this is sooooo much more that a crush! And I need to deal with it because I'm starting rehearsals with him again next month and wont be finished untill mid february! :S

*sigh*

Ps. My blog had it's first birthday last month and I forgot! :S Ah well! A belated happy birthday to me! :P

Sxxxxxxxxx

Results and College!!!!!!!!!

2010-08-23T02:14:00.000-07:00

So,

On Wedensday, the 18th of August I recieved my Leaving Cert(final exams in high school) results! I can tell you now that I have never been so nervous in my life!! It was worse than actually doing the exams!
So I went back to my, now old, school and waited in line to recieve my results. I went into my vice-principal and sat down with him and he handed me my certificate. I was so nervous i took about 30 seconds before I looked down at the piece of paper which would pretty much decide the next 4 years of my life!
This is what I saw!

Irish - B2(ordinary level)
Maths - B2(honours level)
Chemistry - B2(honours level)
Physics - B2(honours level)
English - B2(honours level)
Music - B1(honours level)
French - C2(honours level)

Thats 470 points! The whole system is marked out of 600. And 470 is judged as very good considering the average points for the country is arounf 340-350!
I was soooooooooooooo over the moon! More than I dared to hope for!!
That put me back in with a chance to go to Trinity College! Trinity is the BEST college in the country and with points like mine I had a chance!!! I had originally given up hope for it all the way back in February!
Now I just had to wait until the 23rd of August to see what college offers I get and see if one of them is from Trinity College!!!
I went out that night with some friends to celebrate! It was a great night! One of the best i've had in a long time! :D

--

Today was the day I was waiting for! 'Offers' day!
Offers were posted online on my CAO account(CAO is a liason system that colleges use to offer places) from 6am onwards! Needless to say that I was up at 6am waiting for the offer to come in.
I went onto the website at 6am only to find that the server had crashed due to almost every student in the country trying to check their account at the same time! lol
So eventually it came back up at 630am and I check my account...............I GOT OFFERED A PLACE IN TRINITY COLLEGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was the course I wanted the most! Its a specialized science course. I never thought that I would get it in a million years! :D But I did!
I am now a Trinity College student! One of the top 50 universities in the world, THE best in the country!
I'm so happy right now its riddiculous! :D

I should be starting on the 23rd of September! I cannot wait!!!!! And to top it of its the most accessible college, transport-wise, for me! So it'll be easy going in and out from my house!
I am over the moon!!!!!!

Now I can just relax and worry about nothing for the next month!!!! :D

*Victory dance*

I am now a college student! :D

Sx

Quick update!

2010-07-31T16:19:00.000-07:00

Heya guys!

Just a quick update seen as I havnt given any in AGES!! :P

Rehearsals for 'Pirates of Penzance' are going fantastically! :) it's going to be amazing!!!! Like, seriously, probably the best show I've ever been involved in! :)
Can't wait for opening night! :)

Also, went to a friends bday party last night. A nice night. Bit boring, but when the hot straight guy got his cock out (jokingly :P) I cheered up :P

Also, I got DailyBooth! So I should be taking regular pics I hope.
If you want the address just ask and I'll pm you! :)

Okies!

Talk laters!!!!

Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Best friend.....

2010-07-12T15:46:00.001-07:00

I need a best friend.
I think it's a necessity in life really. Ever since I realized my 'best friend' was a homophobic fucktard(sorry for the language) I havnt had that one constant person in my life.
Everyone needs that someone who knows you in and out. Who you can go to anytime and just hang out.
I've lost that.
I need it back.
This sucks.

Sxx

Exams, Pride, and becoming 'gayer'??

2010-06-29T03:04:00.000-07:00

So,

I finished my final exams(my leaving cert) last thursday! You cannot imagine how happy I am!!!! I honestly thought this day would NEVER come!! Lol
Now I just need to wait for my results in August and then....COLLEGE!!!! I can't wait for college! I really hope it'll be a turning point in my life! :)
**
I went to the Dublin Gay Pride Festival on Saturday. I went by myself cause I didn't have anyone to go with. So I followed the parade through the city. There were over 22,000 people IN the parade!! That's amazing considering only 5,000 were in it last year! And then there were over 100,000 people watching it!
The bigest Irish pride festival ever! I'm so happy I went. I stayed for the whole parade and went to watch a bit of the outdoor party in the city. I met a few people from BeLonGTo there as well. B2 had a big part in the parade. They had a 'rainbow dance' thing. Lol.
Here's a pic of them with their giant rainbow sticks they had on their backs while dancing:

I talked to a few of them for about 20mins and then they kinda drifted away. So I left. I saw a good few people I knew in the parade! People I never knew were gay! So that was nice!

So I was happy I went to at least watch the parade! Next year I hope to fully experience the pride festival with all it's aftershow parties! :)
Here's a pic of a very funny side of a float in the parade! :P

On another note, I think i'm becoming 'gayer'?? Lol!
I find myself REALLY looking at guys lately! Like, perving at almost EVERY opportunity! Lol Wierd?! Like, I used to have a pretty equal balance between liking girls and guys, but now it's 90%-95% guys! Not that I'm complaining! :P Gay pride was just a HUNK fest!!! Lol!!

Hello muscles...:)

The guy in the middle....*drool* :P

I also went to see 'Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time' today. And I have to say that Jake Gyllenhaal is astonishingly sexy in it! To be honest I have never really seen what others were on about when they talk about how hot he is, but now.....omg! :O :P
**
So yeah, exams over, summer beginning and now I'm getting 'gayer'! Summer will be interesting!! :P
Hopefully it will be fun :)

Thanks for reading!

Peace,

Sxxxxxxx

Alone...

2010-06-19T17:07:00.001-07:00

Once again I find my self pretty much alone.
I look back over my posts and it looks like I have come a long way, but I really havnt. Nothing that bears any significance anyway.

Yes, over the past few months I have come to accept who I am. I've come out to my mum. I made that first trip to BeLonGTo. But I am still here in bed think to myself that I 'still' have noone. No friends to talk to when I need them the most.
I have "aquaintances". That is all. Many many aquaintances. No true friends. I thought I might be making friends in B2 but it seems as though Patrick(my ex) has destroyed any chance of that happening. The people who I was trying to make friends with are also his friends and their attitude has changed towards me and I know it's because of him.

I just keep thinking to myself what if I hadn't lost my best friend back in september. For those of you who don't remember. I tried coming out to my very best friend and before I did I tried to see what his reaction would be. It turns out it would have been a bad one. I asked him(in the context of a conversation about a gay guy in a show I did) how would he feel if I was gay? He responded hestitantly by saying that I would still be his friend but he would treat me differently. You cannot imagine how heartbreaking it was to hear that. To, in that instant, lose someone who you thought was your absolute beat friend. And with him I lost others.
And now I'm back in that position with no one to talk to. No one's shoulder to cry on.
My life really does suck. Even the people who are in the show I'm doing are a bit assholish.
So I don't even have that to escape to.

I need help.

I need a release.

Ugh...

FML

S

Exams, exams, more exams.....

2010-06-13T11:49:00.001-07:00

Ok, seriously.

I'm going to go insane.

I'm in the middle of my Leaving Certificate exams at the moment. These are my final exams for secondary school(highschool) and then............COLLEGE!!!

I've already had English papers 1 and 2, and maths paper 1. English went great, maths went okayish :/
I've got maths paper 2 tomorrow and then Irish paper 1. Maths is going to be awful. My school is part of 24 pilot schools in the country trying out a new maths syllabus. It's soooooo different to previous years! So we have literally ZERO past papers to look back on. So we really have no idea of what type of questions will come up :(
Sure we know what topic will come up, but they're all soooo huge! Statistics, co-ordinate geometry, vectors, shit load of triganometry, and probability. So........FML!
Lol.
Irish will be a fine. Don't have to worry about that. That's a little stress off.

Here's my timetable if you want to have a look:

Wed 9th June - English paper 1
Thurs 10th June - English p2
Fri 11th June - Maths paper 1
Mon 14th June - Maths paper 2
- Irish paper 1
Tues 15th June - Irish paper 2
Wed 16th June -French
Thurs to Sun - Break
Mon 21st June - Physics
Tues 22nd June - Chemistry
Wed 23rd June - Break
Thurs 24th June - Music
FREEDOM!!!! :P

So as you can see there are soo many! :'(
Each exam is between 3 and 3.5 hours long.

Ugh!!!!
Anyways, I'm soo looking forward to finishing! The Dublin Gay Pride Festival is on two days after I finish!!!! I'm soooo going!! Lol.

It's gonna be amazing! Hopefully we'll get good weather for it though! :)

I'm also rehearsing for a show in the Irish national concert hall all summer and it'll be on in september. Then I've got another show in october, another one in november, and then another one on december! All in the national concert hall.
I may have taken on a little much?? Lol

Can't wait for college!!!!

Just need to get through all these exams in one piece! I have NEVER been soo tired in my entire life. These exams are unhealthily stressful! If you don't get your leaving cert you CANNOT get into any kind of remotely repectible college!
So no pressure! :/

Anywhoos!

Wish me luck!! :)

Sxxxxxxx

Auditions auditions auditions....

2010-05-18T14:34:00.001-07:00

How's things in blogland???

I for one have been TOTALLY stressed with exams!!! It's ridiculous how many exams we have in Ireland compared to England and america :( grr!

Anywhoos, I had an audition for the chorus of 'the pirates of penzance' in the Irish national concert hall. I got in and rehearsals are going great! It's in September but rehearsals have started two weeks ago.

I also had an audition for beauty and the beast in the same venue. It's going to be a very big production! I auditioned for a part this time and it went well! I've worked with the musical director and the director before and they both said that my voice has improved leaps and bounds! So that was lovely to hear!!
I had to do some dialogue as well but as I had previously rehearsed with my american professor(vocal coach) an American accent. So I used an American accent but they told me to use a cockney English accent. I can do a cockney accent but all that would come out was american! Lol! They understood cause I had rehearsed American. So I hope I'll get a callback! :)

So, so far I have I have 'pirates' in september, 'la traviata' in October, a variety show in November, and 'beauty and the beast' in December(all in the national concert hall so that's a big venue!). I may be a bit busy!! Lol
Can't wait!!!!
:D

Anywhoos, exams are in 3weeks so I need to get my mind off all these shows! Lol

Love!!

Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My other blog! Please join!

2010-05-02T07:40:00.000-07:00

Hey blogland!

Just a quick post to ask if you could all join my new blog called 'The 'G' Scene'.

THIS BLOG IS NOT CLOSING!

This new blog is just a more open blog not connected to this one in any way. This blog is for me and you guys! And this new blog is for everybody! So, people I know can also see this blog. It's just a part of a project me and my friend thought up at B2. So please join!
I know you all won't get what I'm talking about sometimes given that it is an Irish blog with Irish LGBT news, but its just so that it gets a bit of blog-publicity and when people go onto it they'll see that it has a bunch of followers!

It would mean LOADS to me if you would follow it!!! Thanks!!!!!

LOVE!!!!

Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Gay Prom!! :D

2010-04-29T12:58:00.000-07:00

Wat's up y'all!? :)

2 years ago in 2008 my gay gouth group 'BeLonGTo' headed the organisation of Ireland's first ever 'gay prom'. It attracted LGBT people from all over the country. 500 people in total filled an amazing venue in Dublin.

I wish I was there and had the chance to go. I've seen pictures and heard great stories of it!

And now........I found out that it's happening again this year!!!!!!!!
I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!! I'm sooooo excited!

Here's the poster for 2008's one!

One problem though.......
I need a date!! lol

It's not until November, but still! lol. You need to plan these things!! This is going to basically my Debs(Prom) since I can't really take the person I'd want to take to my school one! lol

I need to meet new guys!! It's still really hard though! I'm still new to this whole gay scene, but hopefully this summer will open new doors :)

Anyone wanna come to Ireland and be my date!?!!?! :P

Peace out! :P

Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A weight off my shoulders...............

2010-04-24T10:41:00.000-07:00

Hey Y'all! :)

How's things in blogland???

My news is all pretty good for once! :D

So as most of you know, my final exams are in June. And in the run up to these exams there are several practical exams to do. I have a french and irish oral exam and also a music practical exam in which I have to perform a repertoire of 8 pieces(and this music practical counts for 50% of my exam!)

These all took place over the past two weeks ending with my music practical. Irish went well-ish(but I'm not terribly fussed over that subject), French went great. Apparently I know more french than I thought! And then my music practical went brilliant! I played four pieces on the piano and sang four pieces.

This was my repetoire:

Piano:

- Sonata in D Major, Third movement - Haydn (Went a bit of a disaster! :/)

- Poem - Zdenek Fibich (Went very well!)

- Jack in the Box - Bartók (Went great)

- I Dreamed a Dream - Les Miserable (Fantastic, the examiner even complimented me on my performance of the piece :D)

Voice

- Ich Grolle Nicht - Schuman (Went great, the examiner complimented me on the maturity in my voice :D)

- The King Of Love My Shepheard Is - Charles Gounod (Went very well! Very happy with it)

- In Diesen Hail'gen Hallen - Mozart's 'The Magic Flute' (Great!)

- Oh Better Far to live and Die - Gilbert and Sullivan's 'The Pirates of Penzance' (I thoroughly enjoyed this one! The examiner was even singing along to herself at one point! :D)

I was very happy with my performance overall! Forgetting about the first piece which was a disaster, but i'm just chalking that up to nerves.

In the second voice piece, my piano accompianist(aka. my voice coach) stops after the second page and goes "I'm soo sorry! I've forgotten a page!"

In my head I was like "WHAT!?!?!?!?!" lol

But the examiner was sooooo nice! She said to take my time. Luckily I had a spare copy of the music for my coach. I'm certain I didn't lose any marks from it as it wasnt my fault.

I love my coach like, but he scared me half to death then! lmao!

The examiner talked an awful lot in the exam too. I think it was just to calm me down because I was soo nervous! But she was asking me if I was a member of any choirs. I told her no. But I do do alot of musical theatre and opera. She asked me who I did it with and I told her the names of a few companies. It turned out that she knows ALOT of the directors and musical directors that I know quite well! It was such a coincidence! Hopefully that worked to my advantage and she mightn't have taken too many marks off for my first piece. But I doubt it! lol!

Anywhoos, I was very happy overall.

Afterwards my voice coach told me I performed brilliantly and told me he was very proud of me!

That meant so much to me. Because he doesn't dish out to many compliments. If you're not good, he'll tell ya! lol! I almost cried even! (I know, i'm such a girl! :P) But i kept it together! Ya know, to keep up my "mach straight image" lmao

So yeah, that's been my week!

Such a weight off my shoulders now! :) Nothing else left to do except for my exams in two months!

I pity the poor guys in my year who have a Religion or History or Geography project to hand in still! Some have all three! They're very big projects! I'm so glad I don't do any of those subjects! :D

So yeah. Thats all with me! :D

What's up with you peoples!? :P

Also, I'd like to give a big thanks to Pierre and Ethan for linking me in their posts! Two of my MOST favourite bloggers! If anyone else has linked me remind me! :D

PS. I'm thinking of starting a VLog?? What do you guys think??

I don't mind telling you guys who I am. But I'm kinda worried if anyone from school might find it on youtube??

I dont see how they would but who knows?

Anyways, tell me what you guys think!

Peace out! :P

Sxxxxxxxx

Birthday!!!! :D

2010-04-14T05:55:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday to me!!!! 19 today! :) Im making sure that this year will be fantastic!! :)

Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My Return!!!!!

2010-04-10T16:11:00.001-07:00

Heyas,

So,

I know it's been aaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggeeeeesssssssss since my last post and I kinda left it on a bit of a cliffhanger with me coming out to my mum but i'm back now with LOADS of news so I have a feeling this is gonna be a long one! So if you wanna go to the toilet I would recommend doing that now! Lol

Anywhooos!

So, back to me coming out.
Well I told my mum after FINALLY pluking up the courage one night after having a long (tearful) chat with Patrick(my boyfriend). She seemed to take it well. And the next day was grand and so was the next and then she asked if I wanted to go get a coffee in the local cafe. So we did that and she brought up the subject of me being bisexual. She asked what's going to happen. How I'm going to deal with it. Then she started talking about how this is worse than bringing a girl home pregnant and how is she going to deal with her family, because a few are quite homophobic. And how she dosnt want me to be known as 'the gay guy' and she dosnt want me telling many people untill I'm finished my final exams.
Now, I was quite upset by the previous comments but that fucking hurt. How dare she say that?!? I wasn't going to tell anyone untill after them anyways but even so, she shouldn't dictate who I tell and when. Bearing in mind she hasn't once said "it's all going to be fine" or "I still love you" or "don't worry" or "how are you coping" or anything like that like a parent should say, since I told her. So I got kinda angry and we left the cafe and headed home. Then for the next 2 months I didn't talk to her at all!!! She didn't make ONE effort to try and talk to me, or try to fix what happened. Now I seriously didn't need this. All this on top of the stress of my final year??

Anyways, during those two months a bit happened. I kept going to BeLonGTo(my lgbt youth group) and that just kept getting better and better.
I even lost my gay-virginity(TMI??? Lol)!! Haha!!
But then a few weeks after, I broke up with Patrick. I could see he was properly falling for me but I really wasn't in the same place and I didn't see myself there in the future. So I said I couldn't have are relationship with all the stress of exams around and therefore wouldn't be able to see him. He went pretty insane! He said how dare I do this and I'm an asshole for how I treated him over the past few days. And I so WASNT! I just didn't text him as much, and when I did I wasn't too talkitive. And that's what you do before you break up with someone! You don't act so close so the break up isn't such a shock! It's not like I called him names, or insulted him. I just wasn't talkitive when we talked!
And he went pretty crazy at me.
And it stayed like that for a while. Untill he messaged me and started talking again still saying I was in the wrong(pffff!) but maybe we could start again after all the exams.
Now I don't particularly want to do that, so i said maybe(cause I didn't want to lose him as a friend and didn't want him to lose interest in me) but not to put all his hopes on me, because neither of us know where we'll be in July! So, that kinda leaded into him getting angry again and is fighting.
So this repeated itself a couple of times before finally settling. And I thought we'd decided to just be friends. Like, after all that arguing who would POSSIBLy get back together?! Lol

**

Anyways after all that, i kinda started talking to my mum again. Reluctantly, but I kinda had to even though it was her fault ad she should have fixed it. It was after I did the musical 'Grease' in my school(I was kinikki)and she congratulated me. And that kinda got the ball rolling. But ah well. We're taking again but she still hasn't mentioned anything gay related. So I think she's avoiding the subject. I don't really care anymore. I can't wait to be free in college on September! :)

**
Some fantastic news for me happened in February.
I went to audition for a VERY respected vocal teacher in Ireland. She is regarded as one of the best if not THE best vocal techer in the country!
I went to audition for her and I sang an Aria from Mozart's The Magic Flute. She said I had a lovely tone to my voice and that we could start in September if I wanted!!! OMG!!! Of course I wanted!! What an honour!!! She's coached some of ireland's and Europe's biggest operatic voices!! I am soooooooooo riddiculously excited!!! :D
Yey for me!!! Lol

**

Anywhoos,
That brings us up to Easter Sunday when I was asked if I wanted to go out to a gay club in town with two girls from BeLonGTo. I jumped at the chance, because I had never been at a gay bar as a gay guy(I had only ever been out with my theatre group when we went to support to of our friends who were doing a show at a gay club and I wasn't really out then). Also I had made really good friends with one of the girls so I wanted to hang out with her. So we went out and had a few drinks and we got kinda drunk! Lol. Then my friend(the one I've made good friends with) started kissing me! I didn't stop it because I did like her and we were both a little drunk. But I told her I can't haves relationship because of exams and such, and she said that's fine even though she said she really likes me.
So we kissed a few more times, and then we started talking about some other guys in the club(she's also bisxual) and there were two HOT barmen and we both talked about which one we'd take! Lol. I have NEVER had ANYONE that I could talk boys with! It felt GREAT!! Lol
Then later on she came back from the toilet and she told me she madeout with one of the hot barmen(who turned out to be sr8!). I was sooo jealous! She was nervous telling me bout it because she didn't want me thinking I didn't like her! I said I was fine with it because it wasn't like we were 'going out' or anything. We were both happy we could have 'that' kind of relationship.
So then the bar closed and we left that bar. We were still kinda drunk at this stage. And we ended up losing the other girl we came with and she ended up going home. So we felt kinda bad about that :(
But me and my friend headed to another gay club that was still open because she got a text from two of her friends saying that they were there. We got in and met with her friends. OMG, one of her friends was called Paul and he was sooooooo HOT! I think she noticed that I liked him, and I think she must have said something to him because the next thing I know he's kissing me pulling me against the wall! He had a tongue stud as well, and usually I'm not one for liking piercings but kissing someone with a tongue stud is soooooooooo hot!! Lol
Then throughout the night he was dancing with me pulling me by the hand and by the shirt and kissing me again. He was AMAZING! :D
We left the club with his friend and mine. We started walking through the city. It's about 3am at this stage. We stop in a doorway because my friends show fell off and then all of a sudden me and Paul are against the wall again making out. Lol
He is SUCH a good kisser!
If someone had told me last september that I woul be going out to gay clubs and making out with guys on the street at 3 in the morning, I would have laughed them away! But now I'm having sooo much fun!! :D

Anyways, I had to go home so I kissed him and my friend goodnight an headed home on SUCH a high.
This wasn't to last though.

Patrick had been in Italy for the past week. Then he messages me saying he knows about the gay club and stuff. I was like "ok"?? "and??"
He started giving out to me about lieing to him about not being able to have a relationship and yadda yadda. I said he was overreacting and that I didn't lie to him. I'm not in ANY relationship nor am I going to be. I'm allowed have fun with friends in a club not that it's any of his business. He still thinks that we could get back together after exams!!! For feck sake!! Go away now!! :S
We've argued and argued and argued and Ive sent soooooo many messages trying to send the message that I'm NOT interested anymore! He won't take it! Grrr!
So he got angry, we didn't talk for a few days and then he made up with me. He better not think we've still got a chance!! I swear to god!! Lol

Anyways, that brings us up to today
And that's blog up to date. Yeah, that's not ALL that happened, but I didn't want to make the post TOO big! Lol. So I picked the best bits! :)

I also noticed I have 51 followers?!?! When did this happen?!? Lol
I'm glad that that many people enjoy reading my blog even though it dosnt constantly have pictures of hot guys on it(I'M NOT CRITISISING BLOGS WITH HOT GUYS ON THEM!! I LOVE THEM!! NEVER STOP!! Lol).
Thanks peeps for sticking with me :)

So yeah,

That's me back on the blog scene!! :)

Hopefully I won't neglect it too much!

Love!!!!

Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

OMG! I did it!!.......

2010-01-06T03:41:00.000-08:00

OMG!!

I did it!

Came out to my mum last night!!

I'm practically still shaking!!

CANNOT believe I actually did it!!!

Went pretty ok!

Details later!!

Just thought I'd let yas know!!

Omgomgomgomgomg!!! :O

Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A new year! And an amazing start!!......

2010-01-04T09:19:00.000-08:00

Heya!!!

Sorry it's been aaagggeeesss since my last post!
I had started one a a few days before new years but my computer crashed and I lost a HUGE post! :(
Ah well! I'm here now!

Now, as some of you may know if you're following me on twitter, I now have a boyfriend!!! Yey!!!!
We made it official on Xmas eve! He's soo amazing!
He's a guy from B2! And his name is Patrick :D
He added me on facebook and then on msn and we just talked and talked!

I know I said in my last post that there were two guys after me. :P but finally decided! But not before someone else said that they'd like to go out with me!! This time it was a girl! She's bi and from B2. I told her that she was soooo nice and I really wanted to stay friends with her for the time being(cause I do actually like her).
So I chose Patrick! :)

And I'm sooo glad i did! He's been amazing! We've gone out heaps into town and had soo much fun! I absolutely loooovvveee kissing him!
So he's my first gay kiss! :)
It's so brill!!

He invited me to a party in his dads apartment on New Years.
That was the best party I've ever been at! I could TOTALLY be myself! And I could kiss my boyfriend whenever I wanted! :)
He introduced me to his dad(gulp) and he was such a nice guy! He had absolutely NO problem with his son being gay or having his boyfriend over.
He was brilliant!
Also, all Patricks friends were the nicest people on earth. I think I realized that the friends I do have, really aren't friends at all :( but no matter! I'm making so many friends between B2 and Patrick! :D

I then stayed the night with Patrick after the party had ended. We shared his bed.
Now I was insanely nervous at this stage. Cause it was pretty obvious something was gonna happen.
We didn't go 'all' the way, but we went as far as!
He is soooo sexy! Like, he really knows how to turn a fella on!! :P
I've also realized something about myself. I can't 'last' long at all! Lol! Like, he's superhuman compared to me!! Haha!
So it was definately a night of 'firsts'! And it was AMAZING!
We woke up the next morning and cleaned up after the party.
He then walked me to the bus stop where we found that the buses we cancelled on account of the HEAVY snow the night before! So I said goodbye and got a taxi. After spending 3 quarters of an hour in the taxi the taxi driver gave because he couldn't get around all the road blocks in place because of the snow :(
So I had to walk like a 2miles in the snow to get home! Lukily I didn't drink much the night before otherwise I woulda had a bastard of a hangover to boot!! Lol
Anyways I got home in the end safe and sound:D

Since then we've seen loadz of each other. And gone back to his place an cuddled in his bed.
I've realised that I NEVER get cuddled by ANYONE! The people in my life just aren't cuddlers. But now I have the best cuddler of all! :D

He's taking me out into town tomorrow. He says it's a surprise! I can't wait to see what he has planned! :D I'll post afterwards and tell ya what it entailed!

***

And now, on another, more frustrating, note....
My dad came into my room a few hours ago having searched for me on Facebook! He found that I was a member of 'Singing for supper at the george'(an event which some friends run in a famous gay bar in Dublin). He sad that it was completely inappropriate material to have on my Facebook page and if any of his work collegues or friends saw it, that it would be bad for him!!(we have same name).
He's always doing that! Always saying that anything I do comes back to him because we have the same name! Absolute bollox! If he didn't want that kind of a situation he shouldn't have named me after himself! >:(

He's already found loads of shit on the computer to prove I'm gay! So get over the fucking face and deal with it!
And stop fucking snooping around my PRIVATE Facebook page!!
UGH!! He's such an asshole!

***

I'm also thinking about coming out to my mum. I think she'll be more or less fine with it.

Anywhoos,

That's my life since I last posted!

I'll try post again soon!!!

Love you guys!!!!!

Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

TWO guys!!!! sigh.....

2009-12-20T14:21:00.000-08:00

So,

Life has certainly taken a turn for the better since last week!!!

As you could see from my last post life wasn't going well.
The B2 meeting we had didn't go to well for me and I was feeling more lonely than ever.

Then, during the week a guy from B2 added me on msn and Facebook. We started talking for aaagggeeesss! He was a really nice guy. He eventually told me that he liked me and he thought i was cute!!
I was like, what?!? Lol
Do he asked me eventually: "so what would ya do if I was to try and get stuck into you on Sunday??"(which was the B2 Xmas party)
I was taken aback but I realized that I did kinda like him. And as I talked to him I got to like him more.
So I said "I might let ya!" lol

So we decided that we'd try something on Sunday.

So today was the day, but it was quite crowded and we didn't get a chance.

And also, there was this other guy. One I hadn't seen before but he's been to B2 loads before.
He was REALLY cute!!! Like, WAY outa my league cute!!
But I found him flirting with me. He was a really nice guy to. More my type than the other guy.
He even asked me for my number!! He even offered me his jacket when i was cold!!! If thats not flirting i dunno what is!!! And he texted me only an hour after we went home!!!

Then I was talking to the first guy on msn a few minutes ago.
He said that he didn't try anything because he saw the other guy flirting with me. He said that the new guy liked me(I don't know I someone said that to him or something.)
But then he proceeded to tell me that he really like me. And asked if it was the right thing for him to do for him to back off because if the other guy.
I didn't REALLY answer him cause I didn't really know myself.

So know I'm torn! Between two guys!!
Talk about annoying!!
I wait months and years for a guy to come along, and then TWO come along!!! Lol
God really dosn't want to make life easy for me.
And I know people will say be greatfull for having two nice guys after you! But, remember, I still pretty much completely new to all this! :S

So yeah, I dunno what to do.
I kinda feel myself going more towards the new guy. But that's so unfair on the first guy!!
So I kinda said that I'd go out with him sometime but I didn't specify when.
So I really need to sort this out!!

Arrrgggghhh!!!!

At least I know someone wants to be with me though!!!!! Lol

Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Screw this....

2009-12-12T15:40:00.000-08:00

Screw this shit.....

I've fucking had it.....

The people around me are assholes....

I havnt had any loving physical contact(friendly or intimately) in ages....and I've almost reached breaking point....

I can't deal with the absolute SHIT around me right now...

I want to run away....

Never look back....

Here's a big FUCK YOU to the world!!!

S

Life recently......

2009-12-10T12:17:00.000-08:00

Wow,

Its been ages since I last blogged!
Sorry about that!

I've been really busy with school and such. It's been kinda mental!
But ah well,
I'm here now!

***

Firstly, I'd just like to say a BIG congratulations to Jason on his oh so successful coming out!
I've been keeping up to date with all his blogs and had the pleasure of reading his school essay on coming out. He really is SUCH an inspiration!!

***

Anywhoos,

I had my B2 meeting on Sunday.
It was great! Every week they all seem to be getting better!
I'm much more comfortable talking to people now. I'm starting to have a really good time there. All the initial nerves are almost gone!
There was also this new guy there today. Really cute! He was kinda shy at first but as the day went on his personality started to shine through. He's very funny. I also think he was flirting with me! But I can't be sure. He probaly wasn't, but I still liked his company. Myself, him, and 3 others went to a fish&chips place after the meeting. It was great. I talked to a guy who I never really talked to before. He turned out to be really nice. I kinda thought he was ignoring me at the meetings, but he turned out to have a great personality. He was very funny too! I added him on facebook that day and he accepted earlier today.
I can't wait untill the next meeting! :D

I also think we're going to a at bar this weekend!!
Ive never been to a gaybar before as a gay/bi guy. I've been as a 'straight' guy.
To make a long story short, I went with some straight friends to see two gay friends perform at a gay club. I wasn't out to them yet.

***

Also, I went to the doctors in tuesday.
I sometimes get heart palpitations and Monday was the first time I've gotten them at training. I'd get them just randomly, if I was walking home from school or even watching tv.
Like, they're not rare, but they're not REALLY common either.
My coach told me to go and see my doctor.
I went and my doc said to make an appointment to get some blood tests done. And then he'll send me to a cardiologist.

I'm sure it's nothing, but getting heart parlpitations as oftern as I do is better off getting checked out my coach said.

***

So, yeah,

That's what's been happening recently.

I'm glad I have B2 to keep me sane. I seriously think I'd still be struggling without it.

Anywhoos,

Bye for now!!!!

Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A perfect evening!!......

2009-12-03T15:14:00.001-08:00

So,

I ended up going to the protest today!

I wasn't actually planning on going, but in school earlier I got a text from one of the facilitators from BeLonGTo asking whether I was interested in actually going into the Dáil(the main government building in Ireland) and watching the debate. I said sure! I'd love to!

I went into town to the B2 offices where about 10 people had come together and had some sandwiches and some drinks.
We then walked down to the Dáil and saw a huge group of people protesting. It was such a great atmosphere! About 6 of us walked through the protest and into the buildings(a B2 facilitator got us access). When we were lining up in the reception we could see and hear a group of women screaming into the government building. Noone could really hear what they were saying but a guy ahead of us in the que said to us "oh religious fundamentalists! They're always entertaining!"
Lmao!!!! I couldn't stop laughing! Haha!
Anywhoos,
The rest joined the protest. It was actually a bit of a thrill being part of the group protesting! I've never been to a protest before!

We watched the debate and things actually seem like they're moving forward for civil marriage. We probably won't have it for another 2 or 3 years but I honestly think well have it soon!

Afterwards, the 6 of us went to get some coffee from Starbucks. It was really nice sitting down talking with them all!
There was a guy with us who I had not met before and he was sooooooooooooooo hot!!! He had a perfect smile! And a great personality! My DREAM guy!!!
Don't have a chance with him, but hey, a guy can dream!! Lol

When we finished our coffees I left for my busstop with two of the girls.
I hadn't really talked to them before. But they were soo nice!
I think I could make great friends with them. I havnt really made any 'friends' yet. But I think these two could be great friends!

I can't wait until Sunday for our next meeting! I'm getting much more comfortable with them all.

Ahhh, what a perfect evening!

Anywhoos, that's my post for today!!

C ya!!!

Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Brrrrr.........

2009-12-01T09:56:00.001-08:00

Hey guys,

Sorry it's been a while since I last posted, technical problems were to thank for that!!! Grr!

Ah well,

News, news, news.....

Well I had my Xmas exams this week(I know it's not Xmas that's just what they call them).
They went..........pretty awful tbh!! I was completely raped in chemistry, music, physics and applied maths. Yeah, so that's not really gud at all!!
So I need to buckle down for the final exams next year! SERIOUSLY!!!

****

I also went to my BeLonGTo meeting on Sunday.
It went really well. I talked to some new people. They were nice. There are these two guys who are just soooooooooo hot. Like proper hot!! I'm drooling right now as I write about them! Lol
Anyways, this woman came in from a mens health clinic and talked about a new service they provide in the city where any gay man can just call in and get checked out for stds and stuff. They also just hand out condoms. They apparently always leave a box of condoms in the B2 building! When she reminded everyone of this one of the guys(one of the reeeaaallyyy hot ones!) said that they always rip and that they're not strong enough. But he just 'doubles them up' so they don't. Then the worker said that doubling up the condom increases the risk of a condom breaking! There was just silence from everyone and he just said "oh, well that must have been why they broke then" lmao!!!!

***

For the last hour of the meeting we were discussing the 'civil partnership bill' that's going to be debated this week in the government. And we were talking about how it is just not the same as marriage in any way shape or form.

Here are just some of the differences between marriage and a civil partnership:

• The names for a start a different. Why should they be?!?

• A couple in a civil partnership cannot adopt a chid together. And if one of the partners already has a biological child the other partner has no legal premise to adopt it. And the child has no entitlements to inheritance. And if the childs biological parent dies the other partner cannot adopt the child.
Also, if the family of the person with the biological child are not happy with their child being gay they can battle for custody of the child 'just in spite' of the fact that their child is gay!

• The tax benefits you receive are are at most half of what you would receive as a married couple.

The differences go on and on. I might post something about it soon, when I get a chance.

But now we're preparing for the protest that will take place on thursday outside the government buildings in town. I think we're creating a human gay flag with everyone wearing different colours.
So that should be an experience. However I'm not sure whether I should go or not. I'm still not out to 98% of people and I'm worried someone I know will see me at the rally.
I just don't want someone to find out who I don't want to find out, ya know??
Ugh! STRESS!!!!

****

Also, morning Taekwondo training started today. 630-730am!!! I was EXHAUSTED!!!
It was a great wake up for the morning but i could really feel it by lunch time!

****

Anywhoos,

It is FREEZING here in Ireland!!! Literally!!!! The country is flooded and the weather just keeps getting colder.

It's times like these when I'm stressed out with school and coming out and the cold weather when I just wish I had someone to be with, to be warm with, to comfort me.........

......*sigh*.....

I'm cold......

Sxxxxxxxx

A startling day.......

2009-11-22T14:15:00.001-08:00

So,

I went to my BeLonGTo meeting today. I got the bus and had to walk for, like, 20mins in the rain and SERIOUS wind! But I eventually made it!
So I sat down in the little café part of the building. And started talking to a guy I met at the last meeting. So that was nice.
From there I met a youth worker who I hadn't seen before. She was lovely! Very friendly!
And then was introduced to a German guy my age who was really nice 2.
So my hesitancy that I mentioned in my last post didn't seem to be a factor at all.

Then, a girl walked in while I was talking to the German guy. I only noticed and caught a glimpse of her when she walked by and down th stairs. She had dyed red hair and that was very familiar. I kept talking to the German guy and all of a sudden I hear "*Lonelyboy*????"
I looked around it turned out that the girl with the red hair was the same girl from my taekwondo class!!!! I didn't get a good look at her at the start and that's why I didn't realize earlier.
I was gobsmacked! I honestly never expected her to be gay!!!
We started talking and she was saying that she has been going to B2 for a while now.
I was actually really glad I knew her cause that's given me an actual friend I can talk to at the meetings!
I'm so extatic now!!!
Yey!!!

So anyways, at the meeting we had a transexul workshop for th last hour and a half.
They are always having workshops, apparently, on various topics such as transexuality, homosexuality, safe sex, and other stuff.

Tbh, I was quite ignorant to transexuality. I never knew anything about it or what it entailed.
I found out that last Friday was Transexual Memorial Day around the world.
A startling statistic is that almost 200 transexual people have been murdered around the world in the past 12 months! That's such a shocking figure!
Another one is that the average life expectancy of a transexual person is 24!!!! Because of such high suicide rates!
That is extremely sad!!

I learned quite alot today the workshop. And am very glad I met the girl from taekwondo.

Ugh, now I've got to go to bed to get some sleep for my exams tomorrow. :(
I am sooooooo unprepared!!!

Ugh,

Ah well!!

C yas later!!!!!!

Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hesitant, wonderful...........

2009-11-21T15:45:00.000-08:00

So,

I'm lying here in bed. Annoyed at the fact that the videos feature on my iPod isn't working for some reason, and now I can't watch 'xmen origins' in bed. :( it's such a gud movie. I was really looking forward to it!! Grr!!

Ugh,
Ah well,

***

I've got my BeLonGTo meeting later on!
I'm kinda hesitant going now.
Like, I feel awkaward going by myself and therefore feel like I'm intruding or clinging to people when i'm there.
Ugh!!!!! Why can't this just be easy?!?!?!?

***

My November exams started on friday. They were called chrstmas exams but now they've pulled them back slightly.
Anyways, I had maths and french on Friday, and i 'should' be studying for Irish and Applied Maths on Monday. But I'm soooo lazy!! Lol
Instead, I'm going to New Moon tomorrow! I absolutely LOVE the books!! Can't wait!!!!

Oh, also,
When i was studying in the school library on Friday, there were two new German exchange students sitting across from me. They were sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hot!!!!!!! One was blonde with just a perfect slim body with clothes that just hung on him perfectly! The other was a classic European hottie! Slim, lockes of brown hair and just a perfect face!
I had to force myself to stop staring at them for fear of being caught! Lol

***

Anywhoos,

Yeah, that's my news for today.

Oh, can I just add that Ethan from ABlackClosetCase one of the nicest people I have ever had the good fortune of talking to. I was emailing him over the weekend and he is just sooo kind and generous!
I can't get over what a fantastic
person he is!!!

*HUGS* to you Ethan!!!!!!!!

Anyways!!
I'm off!

Love you guys!!!!

Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My medals!.........

2009-11-17T11:20:00.001-08:00

So,

I arrived back from Cork, from the International Irish Taekwondo Championships late Sunday night. I was sooooooo exhausted! And i still am! All day yesterday I was dozing off in every class in school.
I was exhausted!! :S

Anywhoo, I went down to the champs in the car with my mum at 4am in the morning. We arrived in good time. Didn't get lost too much!
We went into the stadium and met up with the rest of my team. I went and got changed and got registered.
Then I went down to the mats and waited for my patterns section to begin.
I was called up and performed my pattern well, I thought. I got through to the next round and then to the next round. I won that and was into the semi-final! Then halfway through the semi-final the guy who I was up against(we do our own indiviudal patterns next to one another, it's not sparring!) collapsed right next to me. I, not knowing what th hell I was supposed to do, just carried on. That seemed like the right thing to do. Then I hesitated for a second when I saw paramedics rush over! Then I heard my coach yell over to me: "DON'T STOP *lonleyboy*!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KEEP GOING!!!" lol!
So I kept going and finished my pattern and ended up "obviously" winning the semifinal and got into the final(I know the guy fainted and all but I honestly think I woul have beaten him either way. He wasn't the best I've seen). Anyway, I stepped onto the mats for the final and ended up winning that to take a gold medal!!! That's right! National Irish Colourbelt Champion! :D
And when i was being awarded my medal the head judge complimented me on my pattern! I didn't recognize him as i had not met him before but my coach said at the end that he was an Italian master(can't remember his name) who is "top notch"! Lol
So I was quite proud of myself for that.

Then it was on to the sparring. I was called and I beat my first opponent easily. My second opponent was not so easy. He really pushed me hard but in to end I won! The next round was the semifinal where I was up against a much higher belt rank. I went into the ring not expecting to win. I let this attitude get to me and even though halfway through i realized that I could beat him, it was too late. He won. But I came out with a very respectable bronze medal.

Here're the gold an bronze medals:

Also, i thought you guys might like to see the two silver medals I was awarded when I represented Ireland at the European Chanpionships in Croatia over the summer:

So, yeah, a fun weekend! Lol

***

Oh, I think I've found two friends that I can come out to. They're both girls and I didn't realize that they weren't "friends" but they were in fact friends.
So, I hope next time I see them I'll tell them.
I'm pretty sure they'll be ok with it.
In fact, i'm certain of it!
:D

***

Talk to yas later!!!!

S xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My weekend.....

2009-11-14T07:31:00.001-08:00

So,

I'm travelling down to Cork tomorrow to compete at the International Irish Taekwondo Championships! It's the best taekwondo tournament in the country and one of the best in Europe! Competitors from all over Ireland compete as well as competitors from England, france, Scotland, Netherlands and Spain!
I can't wait! Last year I won a gold medal in patterns and a silver in sparring. Hoping for a repeat in the patterns and to do well in the sparring cause I want my coach to be proud of me(cheesy I know, but he's one of the guys I most respect and yearn for his approval!).

So I'm kinda nervous. It's sooo nerve-wrecking having your name called and stepping onto the mats in front of a huge stadium!!

The downside is that I miss tomorrow's BeLonGTo meeting!! Grr!! I'm really pissed off about that but the IITCs are pretty important.
Anywhoos, wish me luck with that!! :D

***

I also want to ask you guys a question.
What do you guys think about meeting someone from over the Internet?? Like one of those 'looking for...' websites.
I'm not looking for approval or anything, I don't have any profiles on any of those sites.
But a guy I know did meet his boyfriend on a site called 'gaydar'. I was thinking "can you really find a genuine person on those websites?? Wouldn't you be judged when people ask??
I dunno.
I was never into these things.
Just wanted your guys opinions!

***
I also wanted to say congratulations to Pierre who came out to his mom the other day!!
According to a quick 'tweet' he wrote "it" went ok.

It takes alot of courage to do what he did.
I wish I had that kind of courage..

Looking forward to his next post to find out what happened!

*HUGS!!!*

***

Anywhoos,

Wish me luck tomorrow!

Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A setback.....

2009-11-12T13:31:00.000-08:00

Ok,

So, a little bit of a set back in my coming out plans....

I'm watching 'Bones' on tv at the moment and my sister said to my mum that she "dosn't know what's up with Angela. First she was straight, then she was gay, now she's straight again" and then my mum responded by saying "yeah, I can't stand people like that. You either like guys or you like girls".

So I'm sitting here slightly pissed off. That's quite a setback in my plans for coming out to her.
I kinda thought she would be okish with me telling her but now, ugh, there's gonna be much more complications than I thought there would be.

Ugh, this sucks.....

I'm gonna finish watching 'Bones' and then behing to rewrite my plans.....*sigh*....

Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My guard........

2009-11-09T15:02:00.001-08:00

So,

Another day gone.....

I've been thinking about my whole 'being bi' situation and going to BeLonGTo and whatnot all day. And I think that going to B2 yesterday has kind of given me that complete acceptance of myself. It's shown me how much of a "normal" life I can lead. It's shown me who are the type of friends i should make, instead of the hypocritical bullshitters i had for friends!
But tbh, along with all this acceptance of myself I think my 'guard' has dropped a bit. The guard I have built for myself over the past 5/6 years has weakened significantly.....after just one day!!!! Argh!!! My full personality is shining through but i don't want it to yet. I'm not ready for everyone to see me yet.
I know i'm fine with my sexuality now but I could never come out to my school! If I were to come out the abuse I would get would never end and I'd end up spiraling into another depression which I'm only pulling myself out of right now! I think after my final exams of this year(the start of summer 2010) I'll be coming out to pretty much everyone. I'll be taking part in next summer's 'Pride parade' with B2 and everything! And I'm looking forward to that!

Just back from taekwondo and I'm shattered! (Was such a tough session today!) But when I was getting changed in the changing rooms I was thinking that I don't think I could really ever come out to my club. It's a place where testosterone rules, and any kind of "weakness" would lessen the respect the group would have for me. And tbh I'm not angry at them for that. It's 'that' type of place and the guard and mask i wear is 'part and parcel' of the sport if you will.

So I think that there are times and situations where it's alright to "lie" about your sexuality. And I know alot of people won't agree with me but unfortunately that's the kind of world we live in at the moment and we have to adapt to what is accepted and what is not(on a small scale level, like in the sports hall).

But then again you could argue the fact that if we don't fight for the small things we won't get anywhere with the big things......

But hey.....I'm just rambling, writing my thoughts down.

Sorry if I'm not being that clear.

Just a few thoughts.......

Anywhoos.......

Talk to yas l8r!!!!

Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

What a day!!!..........

2009-11-08T13:54:00.000-08:00

Wow,

What a day??
The group was better than i could have ever suspected!!!!

**

I got on the bus earlier to head into the meeting and I actually felt sick. I honestly thought I was going to chicken out.

I got off the bus and spent like half an hour looking for the building. Luckily I gave myself an hour in anticipation of me getting lost!
But when I did find the BeLonGTo building it was the wrong building! It was their offices rather than their meeting place! But luckily there was a leader their on his way to the meeting. So he brought me to the building. We talked as we walked across the bridge to the other building and he was really nice. That kinda settled my nerves.
We arrived at the building where there were two girls outside talking. They were my age and I found out that they were two young faciltators. The guy I who brought me to the building handed me over to them and they gave me a tour of the building. They were sooo friendly! They talked to me and really made me feel good and not nervous.
I talked to them for a while and met another guy my age(who's also a young facilitator) and he was really nice as well(and really cute!!!!! Lol) and then we went back to the main room where more people had arrived. So I sat down with the two girls and talked with then for a while. Then the 'cute guy' sat down with us for a while as well. He was really nice as well.

Then we all went down to the basement where they went through 'the news' and played an icebreaker game. That was nice. We then went upstairs and we played a table quiz where I met some new people. A guy and a girl both around my age. They were REALLY nice! We came third in the quiz and then they invited me out to have a bite to eat with both of them. We talked for ages. They were people I think that I could be really good friends with.

I had such a good time!
There were three or four people in the group of about 30 who I think were quite annoying and mightn't get along with but sure there are always people like that so that's fine!

It was such a great day and I'm soooo glad I didn't get scared and chicken out!
It was a place where I could totally be myself. Fantastic!!
Can't wait to go back!!

What a fantastically perfect day!!!!

Thanks guys for all of your support!!

S xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Here I go.......

2009-11-08T05:47:00.000-08:00

So,

I'm on my way into town to go to the BeLonGTo meeting!!

I seriously see myself chickening out......

Why must I do this?! Why must my life have turned out in such a way where I have to go to this?!

My hands are shaking......

Ugh......wish me luck!!!! :S

Sxxxxxxxxxxxx

Nervous, wrecked and emotional.........

2009-11-07T11:35:00.001-08:00

So,

I've got my BeLonGTo meeting tomorrow.....I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo nervous!!
Will it be as good as I'm hoping it will be??
Will it help me??
Will there be really nice people there or just a bunch of jackasses???
I'm actually expecting myself to chicken out when I get to the building tomorrow.....ahhhh!!!
PLEASE don't let it be dissappointing!!

Ugh....anyways I'll keep you guys updated with what happens!

****

Anywhoos.....I'm just back from a Taekwondo master class with the one and only Tomaz Barada!! He is AMAZING!!!
He is the Hurcules of the Taekwondo world! He makes everything seem so effortless! Here's a pic of him teaching the juniors today(ps. I'm not a junior therefore NOT in the pic! Lol)........

He does that effortlessly!!!
I learned soo much from him today! I'm COMPLETELY WRECKED!!! My legs and arms are on fire! Maybe a nice long shower might be nice........anywhoo he's running a two day master class in my club ^^, but I could only go today cause of the belongto meeting tomorrow :( ah well!

He is Tomaz Barada... 3 times world Taekwon-Do champion, 6 times European
Taekwon-Do champion, Pro kickboxing world champion, retired 84 fights
- 0 losses...

What more can be said?!

And on top of that he's a REALLY nice guy! Sooo cool!!

He runs a training camp in in the summer in Sardinia(where he's from) so I plan on going there next summer! Hurrah!!

****

On another note,

I've realized that over the past year I've become REALLY emotional!
Like, very small things set me off!
I almost cried during 'Enchanted' when she starts singing in the park ffs!!!! What's up with that!
All stuff like that and more sets me off really easily! Ugh....slightly annoying!! Grr!
Ah well!

****

Yeah, so.....that's today's post over and done with.......let's hope I'll have an interesting(good type of interesting) post after tomorrow!!

Luv yas!!!

S xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Go AWAY!!!!!.........

2009-11-03T10:47:00.001-08:00

So,

There's this girl I went out with last year for like 4 months. She ended up breaking it off and i was fine with that cause tbh I wasn't to crazy for her and it was quite a boring relationship.

Now since about mid summer she's just been texting me non-stop!
She just won't take a hint!

I DO NOT want to get back with her for a number of reasons:
1. She's sooo boring!
2. She's sooo clingy!
3. I'm not particularly fond of her!
4. I want a GUY at the moment! Lol!

I keep dropping hints that i'm just not interested but she's either clueless or just ignoring them!

I can't really tell her I'm into guys at the moment cause she'll just get upset and tell her friends and they'll tell their friends and eventually it'll make it's way back to my school which I DON'T want!(yes, she's that type of girl).
And I don't particularly want to tell her out straight that I'm not interested cause shes very sensitive and gets upset really easily! Grr!!

So......my plan: find and bf and say to her I've met someone and she'll give up on me!!

......................

.......lol.....easier said than done!!!! Haha!!

S xxxx

One nervous phonecall.........

2009-11-02T09:41:00.000-08:00

So,

I just rang BeLonGTo an asked them about their groups.
I was SOO nervous! My hands were shaking and my throat was completely dry!
And that's only a phonecall!!!!
I dunno how I'm gonna cope with the actual group! I'll probably faint as I walk in the door!!!

They meet on Mondays from 3-6pm in town.
The guy on the phone sounded really friendly, so that was kinda reassuring.

Ahh I'm soooo nervous!!!! And I have to wait 6DAYS!!!! 6 days of nervousness!!!
That's also 6 days where I won't have anything else on my mind and I won't get any homework done!!!!

Ugh........why has this gotta be so hard?!

But I'm glad I'm finally doing something!!

:D

Sxxxxxx

Picking up the pieces...............

2009-10-31T10:56:00.000-07:00

So guys,

I think I'm starting to pick up the pieces of my recent mental/emotional breakdown.
Dont get me wrong I still can't particularly see anything good in my life but I think I know that 'giving up' isn't really the answer yet.

I spent ALL of last night thinking/crying in town.

Last night was my school's pre-debs(sort of a pre-prom, for all you Americans out there).
It was just an excuse really for everyone to go out drinking.
I know I said that I would never go down THAT path again but tbh I couldn't have cared less at that point.

I went into the club/bar and practically everyone was there. Everyone was saying hi and shaking hands to me whn I arrived and started walking round, and that made me think......how can they be SO twofaced?! How cab they stand there and smile at me after all they'd put me through?!
I looked at all of the people from my year with their friends and girlfriends and just couldn't take anymore...

I bought two shots, downed them, and bought a small bottle of whiskey and left the bar to go and sit down somewhere in the city(it was about midnight at this stage).

I ended up sitting down on the steps of a building in some backroaded area in town with my whiskey bottle in my hand.
It was a coldish night and I kinda wished I would just fall asleep as I drink the whiskey bottle and never wake up.

I opened the bottle of whiskey and raised it to my lips but honestly couldn't take a drink. I started to cry as I let the bottle fall from my hands onto the side of the road.
I asked my self how this all happened?
If I was 'straight' this wouldn't have happened! If I was 'straight 'I wouldn't have spent the last 6years of my life struggling with my feelings!!
If I was 'straight' I wouldn't think about 'him' eveyday.
Maybe if I was 'straight' i would be a stronger person mentally, emotionally and physically?
I'd have friends.
I'd have a family I could relate and talk to.

I spent a few hours just crying and blameing myself.
Blaming others.
Blaming my parents for making me think I was worth something.

I thought about 'him' for a while.......well, maybe not a while.......alot!

But I think I've figured out why I was so hung up on him.
I'm just jealous of him.
Insanely jealous of him actually.
He has come out with little or no problems. And if he dd have problems then he had friends to help him through it. He actually had a boyfriend at that stage to help him. He had/has someone to hold him when sad and someone to congratulate him when needed.
(not to mention the fact that he's a musical genius who can do things I can only dream of!)

I pretty much figured all this out in the cold last night over a few hours. Getting home at around 6.

It kinda shows you just how important friendship is.
My "bestfriend" is no more. I've decided that he is not my friend.
He has no respect for me and is a selfproclaimed homophobe, which wouldn't be the best thing if I were to have come out to him(which I very nearly did!).

I need friends.

I know you guys are here for me, but as I said in my previous post I need something tangible!

So,
I remembered this youth group that meets in the city for young LGBTs. A guy told me about it on msn. He said that he used to go there and it was pretty good.
I know it's kind of a wierd choice of place to make friends. But tbh I don't think I have any other choice. The group is called BelongTo(http://www.belongto.org/).
I might ring them up and see what they're about. See if it's a possibility. Cause I think I just someone to really talk to ya know??

So yeah,
This should be the beginning of the end for 'him' and for my lonliness. If not, and I'm too shy/scared to go in.......in terrified of what I'll do......

****

Let me just thank you ALL for your supportive comments.

Thanks as well to Ethan, Pierre and Pilgrim for mentioning me your posts!!! Made me cry a little again...

Anywhoo....

I'll keep you guys posted on the BelongTo front.....

Thanks again!

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

S xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

......forget it...

2009-10-30T16:52:00.000-07:00

I suppose I should thank you guys for all the comments...

But I still don't like my life.

The fact that NOTHING goes right in my life is why I think there is no point in my life.
The fact that noone cares for me is the reason why I think there's no point(I know you guys say that you support me, but tbh that dosn't help me. You're not HERE. I need something tangible to hold on to. Someone to actually listen to).

That never happens and does not seem very likely to happen...

So,

I think I'll just give up now......

S

What's the point??.....

2009-10-28T11:51:00.001-07:00

What's the point of living???
Like, what's it all leading up to?

I've just realized that there is NOT ONE aspect of my life that I like.

My family don't like me. Neither do my "friends".
I'm an idiot, therefore no guy or girls would ever even consider me on looks never mind personality!
I'm bisexual, as if I didn't have enough things to deal with.
'He' hates me.
I'm ugly.
I'm not good at anything I do.
The people in theatre just 'put up' with me rather than befriend me. I can't sing or act(what I thought I loved doing).
My coach, the person I have so much respect for, dosn't like me.

I'm not going to achieve anything in life............

So what's the point???

S

A good mood......

2009-10-26T16:12:00.001-07:00

So,

I'm now in a good mood! For once!
And it's all because of a young guy in Paris! I thank him sooo much! Becase he got me out of my little "depression" that I've kinda been going through for the past few days!
And I'm also glad that I got to know you a little today!!

Don't really have much else to blog about. Should have something to post during the week!

Chat 2 yaz!!!!!

S xxxxxxxxx

Giving up......

2009-10-25T12:08:00.000-07:00

Why does he hate me?
I'm his son.
Why does he treat me different to the others?
I'm his son.

I look at my friends and envy them when they talk with theirs.

That's why I can never tell him.
Because it's so bad now I can't imagine what I will be like afterwards.

I'm giving up........

S

Prayers for Bobby, and a Taekwondo night out.......

2009-10-24T17:14:00.000-07:00

So,

I watched "Prayers for Bobby" earlier today. An amazing film! Sooo sad. Tears were constantly running down my face for 45mins straight!
I think the film really hit the right notes on what young gay people go though, and the IGNORANCE of some people in society.

I found it so very touching when near the end the family of Bobby were all wearing matching t-shirts and marching in the parade together.
That's how all families should be regardless if sexuality.

The way the mum reacts when she has an argument with Bobby over his sexuality is exactly the fear I have of my parents. I don't want to leave my family to live my life how I want. But 99% of the time it seems like the only way.

If you havnt seen this film WATCH IT!!!! You won't regret it!

***

Anywhoos,

I went to the Emerald Cup tornament this evening because my friend in my taekwondo class made the Irish senior team a few weeks ago and this was his first tournament. So I thought that I would go and support him.

The tournament consisted of both a mens and womens team from Ireland, England and the USA.

When I first arrived I sat down with my instructor in the audience and awaited teams entrance. Ireland came in first with my friend in the middle looking kinda anxious. England followed and then the USA.
There was the cutest boy from England with short cropped brown hair and a perfectly toned body from the English team. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him! However, another guy from the US did catch my eye and came in at a close second on the 'smexy-scale'!
Irish lads not so much, Lol!!!!

Anyway, I found out a few things tonight.
1. The USA TKD team are REALLY WOEFUL!!! Lol (no offence any Americans out there!)

2. There are actually only two proper Irish guys on the Irish tkd team! Lmao!

3. I REALLY want one of those GIANT trophies when I hit blackbelt next summer!!!! They're sooooo cool!

***

Also, I want to say congrats to Ben(http://ben-gaymid-schooler.blogspot.com) who was elected Homecoming prince!! And was also successful in getting more than enough signatures for a petition his principal made him do to bring a boy with him to homecoming!!! (prick!)
So congrats to you Ben!!

Also, I want to congratulate Jason(http://carwinscloset.blogspot.com) who came out to his parents last week!!! I know I'm a bit late with the congrats but hey, better late than never huh?!
But seriously, I am proud of you man! It must take serious guts to do what you did! I wish I had your strength! Well done!

***

So yeah,

That's been my day.
I'm on my mid-term break now so that means no school for 9days!!!! Hurrah!!!!
It'll be nice to have a break...

I think I'll be seeing 'him' again this Friday. Ugh! I don't wanna!!!!!

Ah well, I've made it this far without whining so I won't start boring yas!!!

I think I'll go to bed now.

Haircut tomoz!!!!!! Yey!!!

Nitey nite!!!!

Sxxxxxx

Worthless........

2009-10-22T14:48:00.000-07:00

So,

I've just got back from a vigil in my school church. A student in 3rd year has cancer in the liver and badly needs a transplant. He's travelled to England and is now waiting for a donar.

When I planned to go to the vigil
I thought there would only be a few people there. I was wrong. The church was packed out the door. And it's a big church for a school! It was sooo touching seeing everyone united supporting the student. We're a small enough school so everyone kinda knows each other, and not everyone is catholic or a particularly devout catholic. I'm not a catholic either(not aethist either, just have my own views and believe in god). But EVERYONE crowded into the church while the very beautiful vigil was held. Everyone stood when they were supposed to. Everyone knelt when they were supposed to.
I think seeing that was the proudest moment I've had in my school(and I'm not particularly fond of my school).

Halfway through the vigil I realized that no kid should be going through this. He's 14! He's right now reading a book FULL of comments from EVERY student in the school wishing him well, but he's still frail and bed bound.
He dosn't deserve to be there. He is a good kid.
Why do these things happen to the good guys instead I the bad ones?? He always was good in school and got good grades. It's just not fair.

I felt sick as I sat there realizing that I deserved to be there more than him.
I've lied, cheated, stolen, bitched, fought.
He didn't.

If I could switch places with him I would. I don't even know him really. But I know enough to know that he shouldn't be there.

His life is worth a damn sight more than mine,
Who decides that he should still be exposed to this?!

Again,

It's just a fucked up world I guess......

Sxx

S xxxx

Twitter, Exhaustion Cheryl Cole :) and Whitney Houston :(....................

2009-10-18T13:17:00.000-07:00

Soooo,

Its been a kind of long week.

On Monday I had a maths exam for which I was completely unprepared for because I left my books in school over the weekend and couldn't study at all!!! Grr! So needless to say that didn't go so well!

And to make it worse I had parent-teacher meetings the next day(these are meetings where the parents come into the school and talk individually about the student). So they got my maths result(a D!). They weren't so pleased with that(I'm normally an A/B maths student).

Ah well!

I got Twitter by the end of the week as well!!!

I thought it might be a nice addition to my blog.

So add me on Twitter if you have it!!

My username is: Lonely18boy.

I spent some time last night on msn talking to Diz from Lovelessinmexico but I fell asleep!! So I'd like to apologize to him!! I was so tired and I fell asleep with my ipod in my hand and when I woke up my battery was dead! :(

SORRY!!!!!

Anyways......I'm watching the X-Factor right now(English version of American Pop Idol). Its very good. Leona Lewis came from it.

There's this guy called Lloyd Daniels. He's 16 from Wales and sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hot!!!

Here's a pic!

Isn't he just..........................AHHH...............soooooo cute!!!

And he's got a lovely voice as well! I get goosebumps just looking at him!

Also on the X-Factor, Cheryl Cole from 'Girls Aloud' performed her first solo song to the audience in what I have to say was an AMAZING performance! She sang it live which there was a bit of doubt about. But it was amazing!! She had an BRILLIANT dance routine with the performance!

And, did I mention that she was lookin' HAWT!!!! lol!

Here's a video of the performance and tell me what ya think!!!

Amazing huh!?! I LOVED the dancing!!!

Also on the show was Whitney Houston! She was terribly disappointing! she barely sung at all. And at the end when she was talking to Dermott the presenter, she was soooo fake and she was a bit of a bitch really!
Here's her video. Tell me what ya think!

Awful right!? Cheryl was sooo much better and even some of the contestants were better!!
She's lost her thang!

Anywhoos.......

Add me on Twitter and tell me what you though of the performances.

**

Ugh...........school tomorrow! And I've got NONE of my homework done! lol!

Ah well, better get to it.....

Love yas!

Sxxx

65 questions of dissatisfaction............

2009-10-17T10:08:00.000-07:00

So,

I found this Questionnaire on Ben's, Mirrorboy's, and Octavius' blogs and I thought, meh, what the heck! I might as well do this.......

We'll see at the the end of this whether or not this was a COMPLETE waste of my time......

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
My hair, takes AGES! grr, too thick...

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
Black/grey with white and orange bits

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Not really.............wow, I havn't kissed anyone in a while!! that's depressing....:(

4. Do you plan outfits every day?
Not really. I just grab something. I plan what I wear if I'm going out somewhere nice the next day.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
Kinda lonely....

6. What’s the closest thing to you that's red?
Packet of Walker crisps

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
Havn't had a dream in a while......but the last one i remember was me going on stage but forgetting absolutely EVERYTHING that I had to do. Lines, where to go ect.......

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
nope

9. What are you craving right now?
a nice curry......mmmm

10. Do you floss?
nope

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
a head of cabbage...

12. Are you emotional?
Worryingly so.....

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
lol, yeah, sure...

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
lick :P

15. Do you like your hair?
NO!

16. Do you like yourself?
not really...

17. Would you go out to eat with George Bush?
Yes.......but only to kill him.......well, maybe not kill, that's not me.................maybe just badly hurt??

18. What are you listening to right now?
Justin Timberlake - "Future Sex Love Sounds"

19. Are your parents strict?
God yeah :(

20. Would you go sky diving?
I REALLY want to!!! Just need to save up!! :D

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
Bleugh!

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
Yeah, a few big authors (Anthony Horowitz, JK Rowling). I've also met Des Bishop(Big Irish comedian).

23. Do you rent movies often?
Nah, not really...

.24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
My 'dressy' scarf hanging from my closet door...

25. How many countries have you visited?
8-9, something like that...

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
Lol, when I was younger....

27. Ever been on a train?
Yeah

28. Brown or white eggs?
White! If I had a brown egg served to me I don't think I'd be eating it?!

29. Do you have a cell-phone?
Of course!

30. Do you use chap stick?
Yeah, bit I should use it a bit more often....

31. Do you own a gun?
Lol! No! Kinda illegal! (That's not to say that I'd get one if it were legal though! I hate them!)

32. Can you use chop sticks?
Yeah. But they're kinda annoying.....

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
Myself :(

34. Are you too forgiving?
No

35. Ever been in love?
I am in love.......it sucks......:(

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?
I don't know. I dont really have a 'best' friend anymore....

37. Ever have cream puffs?
What are cream puffs???

38. Last time you cried?
Yesterday. Almost did today.

39. What was the last question you asked?
"What are cream puffs???"

40. Favorite time of the year?
Summer!!

41. Do you have any tattoos?
Wouldn't really want one....

42. Are you sarcastic?
Of course not!!! *sarcasm*

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
Nope. I've always wanted to see it though.

44. Ever walked into a wall?
Lol!.....*sigh*.....yeah...

45. Favorite color?
Red/Blue/Pink/White/Grey..............ugh....I dunno

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
Lmao! Yeah.

47. Is your hair curly?
Nope

48. What was the last CD you bought?
wow....that was a while ago.....eh......FooFighters _ 'echoes silence patience & grace'

49. Do looks matter?
Not really, as long as they have a good personality. I'd always go for the cutie first though. I think we're all a bit shallow on the inside right?? lol

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
No

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
Don't think so....

52. Do you like your life right now?
Nope...

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
No. Don't have one in my room.

54. Can you handle the truth?
Sure. Sometimes....ikd

55. Do you have good vision?
Nope. Short-sighted. Have glasses which I have to where when i'm in class, watching tv, at the cinema. I hate them...

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
Alot more that 3 people...

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
Few times a week? I'm more of a texter.

58. The last person you held hands with?
'Him'. But that wasn't really even holding hands. He just grabbed my hand when we were mess-acting out a scene from a show we were doing......I don't think I've really held anyone's hand in a LONG time......depressing....:(

59. What are you wearing?
Blue jeans, white v-neck, my hoodie(see Q2), and my necklace

60.What is your favorite animal?
Dog

61. Where was your default picture taken at?
Got it from google???

62. Can you hula hoop?
Yep!!

63. Do you have a job?
Nah, I'm a student

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
An orange powerade from the shops a few hours ago...

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Lmao!!!! Yeah.......heheh

Yeah..........this was a complete wast of time!

I feel completely unsatisfied!!!!!! lol!!!

Sxxx

Twitter!!!

2009-10-16T09:02:00.001-07:00

So,

Just a quick post to say that I got twitter!!! Everyone seems to have it and I thought it might be a nice addition to my blog.
So, yeah. Add me on it if you have it!!!

I'll post a proper post later on tonight!!!

Sxxx

Obama's LGBT Speech..........

2009-10-12T14:44:00.000-07:00

So,

I was watching the news earlier and Obama's speech was being repeated. I hadn't known anything about this and I paused to watch it.

I really loved this speech.
I really feel like Obama's going to change things for the better. And I'm Irish!!!
Except for that whole Nobel Peace prize thingy! He even knew himself that he didn't really do anything to deserve it! lol!
Maybe in a year or two, yeah, then he would have deserved it; but he hasn't really done anything at the moment!
Meh, I happy for him nonetheless......

Anywhoos,

Here are some parts of his speech:

"This story, this fight continue now. And I’m here with a simple message: I’m here with you in that fight. (Applause.) For even as we face extraordinary challenges as a nation, we cannot — and we will not — put aside issues of basic equality. I greatly appreciate the support I’ve received from many in this room. I also appreciate that many of you don’t believe progress has come fast enough. I want to be honest about that, because it’s important to be honest among friends.

Now, I’ve said this before, I’ll repeat it again — it’s not for me to tell you to be patient, any more than it was for others to counsel patience to African Americans petitioning for equal rights half a century ago. (Applause.) But I will say this: We have made progress and we will make more. And I think it’s important to remember that there is not a single issue that my administration deals with on a daily basis that does not touch on the lives of the LGBT community. (Applause.) We all have a stake in reviving this economy. We all have a stake in putting people back to work. We all have a stake in improving our schools and achieving quality, affordable health care. We all have a stake in meeting the difficult challenges we face in Iraq and Afghanistan. (Applause.)

For while some may wish to define you solely by your sexual orientation or gender identity alone, you know — and I know — that none of us wants to be defined by just one part of what makes us whole. (Applause.) You’re also parents worried about your children’s futures. You’re spouses who fear that you or the person you love will lose a job. You’re workers worried about the rising cost of health insurance. You’re soldiers. You are neighbors. You are friends. And, most importantly, you are Americans who care deeply about this country and its future. (Applause.)

.................

My expectation is that when you look back on these years, you will see a time in which we put a stop to discrimination against gays and lesbians — whether in the office or on the battlefield. (Applause.) You will see a time in which we as a nation finally recognize relationships between two men or two women as just as real and admirable as relationships between a man and a woman. (Applause.) You will see a nation that’s valuing and cherishing these families as we build a more perfect union — a union in which gay Americans are an important part. I am committed to these goals. And my administration will continue fighting to achieve them.

...................

And that is why — that’s why I support ensuring that committed gay couples have the same rights and responsibilities afforded to any married couple in this country. (Applause.) I believe strongly in stopping laws designed to take rights away and passing laws that extend equal rights to gay couples. I’ve required all agencies in the federal government to extend as many federal benefits as possible to LGBT families as the current law allows. And I’ve called on Congress to repeal the so-called Defense of Marriage Act and to pass the Domestic Partners Benefits and Obligations Act. (Applause.) And we must all stand together against divisive and deceptive efforts to feed people’s lingering fears for political and ideological gain.

For the struggle waged by the Human Rights Campaign is about more than any policy we can enshrine into law. It’s about our capacity to love and commit to one another. It’s about whether or not we value as a society that love and commitment. It’s about our common humanity and our willingness to walk in someone else’s shoes: to imagine losing a job not because of your performance at work but because of your relationship at home; to imagine worrying about a spouse in the hospital, with the added fear that you’ll have to produce a legal document just to comfort the person you love — (applause) — to imagine the pain of losing a partner of decades and then discovering that the law treats you like a stranger. (Applause.)

.................

That’s the story of America: of ordinary citizens organizing, agitating and advocating for change; of hope stronger than hate; of love more powerful than any insult or injury; of Americans fighting to build for themselves and their families a nation in which no one is a second-class citizen, in which no one is denied their basic rights, in which all of us are free to live and love as we see fit. (Applause.)

This is the bit I love!............

Tonight, somewhere in America, a young person, let’s say a young man, will struggle to fall to sleep, wrestling alone with a secret he’s held as long as he can remember. Soon, perhaps, he will decide it’s time to let that secret out. What happens next depends on him, his family, as well as his friends and his teachers and his community. But it also depends on us — on the kind of society we engender, the kind of future we build.

I believe the future is bright for that young person. For while there will be setbacks and bumps along the road, the truth is that our common ideals are a force far stronger than any division that some might sow. These ideals, when voiced by generations of citizens, are what made it possible for me to stand here today. (Applause.) These ideals are what made it possible for the people in this room to live freely and openly when for most of history that would have been inconceivable. That’s the promise of America, HRC. That’s the promise we’re called to fulfill. (Applause.) Day by day, law by law, changing mind by mind, that is the promise we are fulfilling."

***

I really thought that he hit home with the last bit about the young man struggling to fall asleep. When he read that I thought about myself and how I feel exactly like that every night. I know many other bloggers feel like this as well and thats why I feel we should all look at this speech. I think that we'll all remember this speech for a REALLY long time.

Can you imagine if McCain was elected?! No speech even touching on these details would have ever been made. Palin!? lol
Can you imagine Bush making a speech like this!? Nope.

Anywhoos,

Just liked this speech and thought that I'd post something about it!

Sxxxx

Carmen......

2009-10-11T16:32:00.001-07:00

So,
I've just come back from the opera Carmen and I can say it was AMAZING!!!
It was ALL through french which was kinda annoying at times but I could follow the basic stuff pretty well. The music was WOW!! Orchestra was WOW!!!
Cast was WOW!
I went cause I know alot of the cast from shows I've done in the past.

What I didn't realize was 'he' was in the cast aswell.....
I couldn't keep my eyes off him. Anytime he'd come on stage I just followed him everywhere on stage(he was in the chorus). He looked so cute.

After the show ended I went back to the bar and met a bunch of people I know from different shows and such. It was great to meet up with them all again.
Started talking with a girl from th show who I know pretty well. She's sooooooo nice! And really beautiful!! Lol
Anyways, we were talking about what songs i'll be singing for my leaving cert(final exams, SATs, ect). She was always interested in my music and was always advising me on what to do. We'd always chat on facebook.
So she helped me pick another piece to sing for my exams. It's a piece from Mozart's 'Magic Flute'. I had considered it before, but it's REALLY difficult! Lol But she said I'm capable and I trust her. She'd tell me it I couldn't do it.

Then..........

'He' came into the bar. He came up behind me and said "hey (lonelyboy)"
I replied by saying hey. I was actually kinda happy he actually came up and said hi.
But then he just started talking to the others around me. It was like he was ignoring me or something.
Maybe it's me. Maybe I need to make more of an effort to talk to him instead if expecting him to start up conversation.
I dunno. I kept catching myself staring at him. Then he'd look at me and our eyes would meet for 2-3 secs and I'd break it out of embarrasment. Lol

I said goodbye to everyone and left cause I've got school tomorrow :(

I walked through town back to the bus stop but I couldn't stop thinking about 'him'. I HATE the fact that he has this kind of effect on me!
I thought I was on the road to getting over him, but after seeing him tonight I realize that I've made little to no progress at all!!

This sucks......

Ugh.....

At least it was a good show.....

Sxxx

S xxxx

My attempted coming out........

2009-10-09T17:57:00.001-07:00

So,

My day started pretty well. Got my chemistry exam back with an A grade, found €50, and had a relativley good day at school.

I was invited to my friend's 18th party today(the same friend that helped me out when I was drunk last week.....see last post).
So I had that planned for my night out.
But about an hour before the party my dad called me into the kitchen to talk to me about a porn DVD he found in my room!!!! EMBARRASING!!!!!!
But like why would he confront me about it. Either put it back or throw it away, but don't confront me about i!! Lol show a bit of discretion for a teenger!!! Lol. It was a straight porn DVD as i'm bi. Obviously I denied it was mine! Lol So he dropped that subject and went on to the next. He said he found websites on the computer(the ones I forgot to delete!) and they were gay websites! CRINGE!!
I think I had always planned on trying to come out to him(even though he's the most homophobic person ever!) if he ever caught me with any gay material. But then he started saying that he needs to be sure that I am carrying the family name with respect; and that what the guys on the websites do on those websites is ABNORMAL!!!! So, in a panic, I denied that they were mine and that the history is just from stupid popups from viruses and stuff....I didn't particularly want that moment to be the moment he disowns me! So I denied and denied....
So he dropped that subject and I left the room to get ready for the party. I guess that's kind if closed the door on me NEVER coming out to my father!!!

I got changed and went to the party. It was a nice party. Just chillaxed in his garden with his friends. He had some really nice friends. There was a REALLY hot dirty-blond guy my age with the most perfect torso. And not a bad ass to round it off!! He was so cute!!! I couldn't keep my eyes off him!! Lol

Anyways, eventually I left with my 'bestfriend'. I was walking along the footpath with him and I realized that this was the perfect time to come out to him.
I started to ease us onto the topic by telling him about this gay guy I know who's my age....he laughs when I say the guy is gay.....I asked him why he laughed. He just said that he was a homophobe. Shit.
I asked him what's wrong with being gay and he just gave the usual shit about if two men were supposed to be together then we'd have vaginas. Bollox talk.
I asked "what if I were gay? Would you still be my friend?"
He replied by saying that "yeah I would be but I would treat you differently". So that was an obvious no to my qustion then!
I felt sick. I was counting on him to be then one to stick by me for sure when I was to come out. Tears started to build. Luckily we had come to our estates and we parted ways.

So I sit here. Writing this post after being COMPLETLY put down by my father(but, to be honest, I expected it from him), and my best friend(the one person I was counting on!).

I can't believe this. Tears on running down my face now as I think about my future and how will others react in my life, and how I'll be who I want to be when I'm older.

Fucked up world.............

Sxx

A new leaf.....

2009-10-04T13:44:00.000-07:00

Ok, before you start to read this post I really want you not to judge me and not stop reading my blog when you read this post.........

I went to my "friend's" 18th birthday party last night.
I went out with the intention of getting drunk.
I know it was recommended in a previous post that I shouldn't but, to be honest, things just keep getting worse in my life and I really just wanted to forget for a while.

Ok, I've been drunk before. But never REALLY bad.
Yesterday was REALLY bad. I ended up getting lead out the back by security because I started to get sick. I was getting sick at the side of the road for god only knows how long. A young couple were walking by and they stopped to see if I was alright. They stayed with me rubbing my back as a puked my ring up.
They rang my friends with my phone after I managed to spit up a name for them to call.
My "friends" arrived and helped me up. Three out of the four of them left but one of them stayed with me. He was my BEST friend since I was like 5, up until we went to different high schools.
But he was there last night and stayed with me when I was at my worst. He brought me back to his place and let me sleep in the spare bed.
It is EXTREMELY comforting to know that the friendship we had those years ago is still there.
I will always be sooo grateful to him for being there for me last night.

I have now made a promise to myself to NEVER let myself go back to that place.
No more drink. I will not let anyone affect me like they have ever again.

I actually have tears in my eyes as I write this post.

I'm turning over a new leaf.......

I'm starting a new life.....

I'm actually a little scared right now...........

S xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Ugh.....a girl

2009-10-03T06:45:00.001-07:00

So, I'm on my way to a date!
Catch: it's with a girl! Ugh!

She asked me if I wanted to meet up today and I said "eh, sure".
I don't know why I did. I think I have a problem saying "no".
Yeah, I need to fix that.

Like, she's good looking and all. And we've known each other for a while. But at the moment I think I'm partial to guys. I want a strong guy to comfort me at this stage of my life. I don't want to be the strong one in the relationship at the mo. That's not selfish of me or anything, I'm just in 'that' kind of place ya know.
Ugh! I'm kinda dreading this.
I think I'll just say later on that I think we shud just be friends.
"it's not you, it's me".....yadda yadda ect ect.....

That's just the way my life goes I guess......

S xxxx

Coooool!!!!!

2009-10-03T03:59:00.001-07:00

I found an application in the istore for blogger!!!! Whoop!! Posts ALL the time now!!! Lol!!!

S xxxx

Justin Timberlake!!!!!..........

2009-10-02T14:24:00.000-07:00

So.....
I was on the bus on my way into town today and I turned on my ipod.
I was flicking through the songs deciding what to listen to and I was looking for something kinda relaxing to listen to. I went through the A's and B's and came to Justin Timberlake. I pretty much went by him but caught myself thinking something like "Ah, that's my sister's", "That's not what I listen to", "I don't want to be caught listening to that". But then I thought to myself, 'Why!?" I've pretty much accepted your sexuality. Why should I listen to all the preconceived notions that have been hammered into my head over the years at school??
There shouldn't be anything that I shouldn't listen to because they might be considered 'gay' to listen to!

So I put on JT and I found my new favorite artist!!
I had about 3 albums on my ipod because my sister and I share our itunes.
I listened to ALL of the songs while I was in town! I was wowed! I love him now! He's also REALLY cute judging by his album covers!! lol!

I really hope he plays in Ireland soon!!!!

S xxxx

Getting over 'him'......

2009-10-01T11:05:00.000-07:00

Ok.....

I decided something while walking home from school today...

I'm getting over 'him', even if it's gonna kill me!
I mean, there's just no point in crying over him. He's taken and there's nothing I can do about it.
Maybe, one day, he'll be single again and maybe, maybe, something might happen(I wish), but until that time I'm going to get on with my life.
Look for other guys. Get on with my life.
Finally!

This is a step forward,

And it's such a relief!!!

S xxxxxxx

How come it's so hard to find a nice guy??????..............

2009-09-29T12:29:00.000-07:00

Ugh oh........I've just swallowed the pip of a plum as I was logging-in to blogger!

Does this mean a plum tree will start growing in my stomach!?!?!?

does it???

DOES IT!?!??!

lol

Anywhoos.....

I've been invited to my "friend"'s party on Saturday. It's in town and alot of people I REALLY don't like will be there.

But,

a really good friend I haven't seen in ages is going to be there and I really want to see him. Ugh! I really don't have the best of luck do I???

I've also got a need to get kinda drunk. Ya know? Forget everything for a few hours?

I know it's a really bad way of drinking but, to be honest, I don't really care at this stage of my life.......... :'(

I really need to cheer up. If not, I'm not going to do well in my final exams! Like, I can already feel myself slipping academically. Not doing homework. Not studying for exams...

I really just want to find a nice guy to be with.

Just to be there when I need him.

To love me.

Why is it so hard to find a nice one?????

Ugh.....I'm depressing myself talking like this..

I'm probably depressing you guys as well,

I think I'll leave you guys alone now...

S xx

Training, late night msn, and homework........:'(

2009-09-27T06:06:00.000-07:00

......uuuggghhh! The pain......THE PAIN!!!!

Just back from training and my legs........MY LEGS!!!!
They're cramping every which way!
Talk about a tough training session!
Was not expecting that when I woke up this morning! :(

Ugh, I guess it'll be worth it though in the end......that is, of course, if my legs don't literally fall off before hand!!!!

***

Had a nice night last night.
Watched 'Almost Famous' in bed. Posting the last post got me in the mood to see it again.
Huddled up under the covers in bed with some popcorn watching 'Russell Hammond' from still water jump of a roof crying "I AM A GOLDEN GOD!!!" and "I'M ON DRUGS!". Lol!!!

Afterwards I ended up staying up until talking to people on msn! I was not expecting to stay up so late.
Was talking to Fer from A maudlin story of a bisexual boy for a while. Hadn't spoken to him in ages!
So that was nice to catch up!
I was also talking to memyselfndmyhand from over at http://memyselfndmyhand.blogspot.com/. He turned out to be a really nice guy. He's also from Ireland so it was nice to talk to someone in my own time-zone........not that it mattered considering I was up till 330-400!! lol!

***

I'm now attempting to write an english essay that was due in last Wednesday, a maths assignment that was due in on Thursday; on top of the homework that I've been given this weekend! ugh.......i really do hate school. Can't wait for college.....

Ugh! And I've just realized that I haven't practiced any piano or voice for the past 3 days!!
I really need to get my act together!! :'(

.......I guess it's not really helping things by me spending my already negative time on this thing!

Ah well.....

S xx

The game.......

2009-09-26T13:16:00.000-07:00

Hey guys,

Fer from over at The maudlin story of a bisexual boy was talking to me on msn earlier and told me to play this game.
He's got it done on his page as well.
It's a nice little game!

Here are the rules:

The rules: Answer a series of questions and find a picture to represent each question, then create a picture mosaic on this site. Make the mosaic 4 columns by 3 rows. The questions are:

1. Where are you from? (You can choose to answer with your country, state/province, or city.)
2. What's your favorite food?
3. What's your favorite drink?
4. What's your ideal/favorite (future) job/career?
5. What's your favorite thing about yourself?
6. What's the place you most want to visit?
7. What's your favorite body feature on someone else?
8. What's your favorite movie?
9. What's your favorite TV show?
10. Choose one word that best describes you.
11. What time period would you most like to have lived in (in the past)?
12. What's the next thing you're (probably . . .) going to purchase?

Here are my answers:

1. Dublin, Ireland

2. Rice. I LOVE rice!!!

3. Powerade. I go through at least 10 a week!

4. I would LOVE to act on stage for the rest of my life. There's something about it that is just so relaxing. So fun!

5. I have my own unique style. Of everything. I don't conform to any stereotype.

6. I have always wanted to visit Australia.........someday.......

7. Face. If someone has a cute face and a good personality that's all I need! lol

8. My favorite movie is 'Almost Famous'. I don't really know why. There's something about it that's just so.....BRILLIANT!

9. I love Smallville! It's one of the best shows out there at the mo! I'm really excited about the 9th season!

10. Actor. This word describes my life. I wake up every morning and put on a mask. This summer was the first summer in a VERY long time when I didn't have to wear it. Partly thanks to 'him'.....

11. The 70's. I think it's the influence of the film Almost Famous. It just seems like it was a really cool era!

12. I'm gonna be buying some tickets to a show that a friend of mine is in. Can't wait!

So, yeah. They're my answers!

Play the game!

It kinda got me a little out of my bad mood....

grr....damn formatting!!!!

S xx

Someone..........

2009-09-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

I need someone...

A friend...

Someone to just hold me...
Someone just to talk to...
Someone to cry with..
Someone to laugh with afterwards...

I want someone to run to when I'm scared...
When I'm angry...
When I'm about to crumble...

Someone like...

'him'......

My week so far..........guys,vocals, and training....................

2009-09-24T12:57:00.000-07:00

..........it's been a few days since my last post!

So I thought I better post something before I lose the motivation to post! lol!

So, I went to the 'National Concert Hall' in Dublin on Monday to go to a Feis Ceoil concert(Performances from the best of the best of an all-Ireland music competition. Voice or instrument.).
I ended up booking the tickets for the wrong night! And therefore had to pay another 60euro for the tickets!! That was depressing since I'm already on negative funds!! :S
But, despite this 'little' hiccup the concert turned out to be amazing! Amazing young musicians with amazing talent! I was blown away!
Met this really cute guy at the concert! I 'think' he was gay. I dunno though. My
gaydar has been on the fritz recently. People I thought were gay have turned out straight, and people who I thought were straight have turned out gay! Strange!
Ah well!
Hopefully we'll meet again. I'm going to see some friends in an opera in the NCH next month and he's going as well! So, hopefully that'll go well!!! :D

I also had my first voice lesson on tuesday! My professor is amazing! He really knows what he's talking about! He's really helped me after just one lesson! Can't wait for my next one next week!

Went to training yesterday, and was given the option to try out for the Irish Taekwondo team in November for when they go to Korea next summer for the World Championships!!! So I really want to do that, but I'm not sure if the championships are going to interfere with my final exams at the start of the summer. So I'll do some more research and make my decision next week! Still cool to be asked to tryout though! :D

***

Got the book "The Picture of Dorian Gray" today. My mum first told me the story when I was 12 when we were on holidays in France and I loved the story since. I've never gotten the chance to read the book so now I'm doing it! Hurray! lol!

***

So, that's been my week so far! A better one comparing them to previous ones.
AND I haven't thought about 'him' ONCE in the past few days!...............aw crap..........:S

Anywhoos........

I'll try and post again a bit sooner!!

S xxx

'Footloose' and a night to forget........

2009-09-20T03:53:00.000-07:00

So, I went to see 'Footloose' last night.

It was a fantastic production! The leads were brilliant and it was such a funny show!

But even so, I ended up having a pretty crappy night in the end......

So, the show was situated in the middle of NOWHERE and it took me like an hour to arrive! So that wasn't very convenient for the journey back.
I arrived at the show and went up to the ticket office to get my ticket. I looked in my wallet and had no money whatsoever. So I had to borrow money of a woman I know who was also going to the show. Not the best start!

I went in and sat down in my seat. I kept trying to look for some of my friends who were coming as well. And a whole group came! None of whom were the people I was hoping to come! So that sucked.
On the bright side, I didn't see 'him' anywhere! I was already pretty depressed that none of my friends came and I didn't want to be even more depressed.
Ugh.....never mind.....there he is...

He was talking to a few people across the room when I spotted him. My stomach turned.
He had his boyfriend with him. My head started spinning...
"Do not come over, Do not come over, Do not come over!"
He came over and started talking to the group who were with me. I didn't look at him and started a conversation with the girl next to me.
He eventually went to his seat and the show began...

The show had energy, great dancing and some SUPERB singers!
There were, however, some god awful singers and some god awful actors!
But it was a great show overall though. The leads and supporting leads carried the show very well!

The show ended and we all went to the bar upstairs.
I stood next to a few few people I knew. Bored out of my mind. I didn't really have anyone to talk to in the group.
And then 'he' joined the group I was in and stood next to me. With his boyfriend. He introduced his bf to us all.
"This is: John, Keith, Sarah, Norma, Adam, James and (LonelyBoy)"
He put his hand on my shoulder as he said my name. My knees shook slightly.
HOW DOES HE HAVE SUCH AN EFFECT ON ME!?!?!
I need a drink....
I went over to the bar. It had NOTHING!! All it had was beer(I hate beer).
So, this wasn't going very well.

I slipped over to another group, and still didn't really have anyone to talk to there either.

'He' was walking by and said hi to me.
We asked how each other was for about 30secs and then he said he was going to go and 'mingle'.

I know he doesn't owe me anything as we never went out together and nothing ever happened between us and he's just a "crush", but it's still soooo hard seeing him with someone else. Kissing someone else. Having his arm around someone else.....
I felt sick. Like, really sick!

I went to the toilet and calmed myself down. I went back out to the bar and tried to see if anyone was heading back to Dublin on there way home and if I could get a lift off them. I couldn't stand it there.
I was more depressed there than I was after the show we did together(see here).

I got the lift back home and went to bed. Lump in my throat and exhausted.

I fell asleep and had a dream about him.......

"He won't leave me alone!!!"

S xx

Excitement? Dread?..............

2009-09-19T08:45:00.000-07:00

So,

I missed a post yesterday. But to be honest, it's exhausting trying to post EVERYday! My life isn't THAT interesting! lol!

And, I don't really have anything to post today either but I thought I should post something.

I'm going to see footloose tonight, and 'He'll' be there. I don't know if I'm excited or dreading seeing him.
Well, we'll find out later on won't we!?

So, I'll either be posting later on tonight if I have the energy, or tomorrow.
And I'll let you guys know what happened! K??

Anywhoos,

bye!

S xx

Choosing colleges, a 'not so' hot guy, and a new haircut...........

2009-09-17T14:21:00.000-07:00

Well today was a long day.....

Didn't have school because we got the day off to go to this college exhibition thingy. So that meant I could have a little bit of a lie in!
God I needed it!

So I arrived at the exhibition and paid the 10 euro entry fee. In the hall were hundreds of colleges from both Ireland and England.
There were 6th year students from all over Dublin and around, and I have to say that I really go an a pretty ugly school. I only say this because the amount of HOOOTTT guys there was unreal!!! Like seriously!! Everywhere I looked there was a perfectly toned boy with amazing hair! I'd say there's about three really hot guys in my year. THREE! Ugh!
Ah well. So I found a few colleges that I liked. Got a few brochures shoved into my arms and left with the biggest college prospectus books I've ever seen! A big weight to carry all the way home!

While in town I got some McDonalds(don't judge me.....I was starving!) and got my hair done. I have to say they did a fantastic job, if I do say so myself. I have never found a hairstyle that I have liked so much!
I think I'll be going there again!!!

Well, I got home and showed my parents the brochures of the colleges. Both of them just DO NOT support what I want to do. They want me to do Law or Engineering when I want nothing to do with those subjects! I want to do English and Music.
They're like, you could never find a job with a degree in those! And I reply that of course I can. What? The millions that study English and Music just get crappy jobs?! Don't be
ridiculous! They're so small minded. All they want me to do is get a "main-stream" job where I'll make a load of money. But I really don't want that! I'd rather get a job that pays enough for me to get by on, than one that earns me a load of money but I'll be miserable!
So, that conversation ended in argument, AGAIN, and now I'm pissed off and feel like crap! It's my GOD DAMN LIFE!!! IT'S MY GOD DAMN DECISION!!!!!!!!! UGH!!!!
I'm just gonna forget about it for tonight.

*sigh*

So, anyways, in yesterdays post I said that the Argentinean guy who just joined my year has turned out to not be so hot after all. Like, he's still perfectly tanned and toned and all, but he did something yesterday that COMPLETELY put me off him.
So I was standing at my locker getting some books for my next classes when some guys from my year started throwing insults my way.
"Get a fucking life ya queer!" One of them said.
I ignored them as I usually do and locked my locker.
Then the new Argentinean guy walked by and pushed me against my locker saying:
"Yeah, you fuck!"
I was.....eh....shocked?? He's been at the school for what? 2 days?? And already he's joined the "schmad lads"??
Well, I wasn't amused. So, as he started to walk away I grabbed his arm and twisted until he was on the floor pinned. I kicked the bag that was on his back(I wouldn't kick anyone unless I was being attacked or something) and walked away saying: "Fuck you".
I know Taekwondo and self defense so that's why the "schmad lads" don't normally come up to me, cause I'd normally hurt a few of em if they started on me. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not a violent person. I just know how to defend myself and can fight back if if I'm started on.
So, anyways....the Argentinean guy?
Yeah, I've been completely put off him now.

So, back in school tomorrow.
Thank God it's Friday at least!!!
I need the weekend so badly!!!
I think I'm going out on Saturday, so hopefully that'll take my mind off of things!!

Anywhooos, that's it for today!!!!

S xx

My 20th post.......nothing special.....

2009-09-16T15:18:00.000-07:00

Just back from training. Exhausted. It was probably a bit stupid going with a messed up ankle, but luckily it was an easy enough class!

Not much to write about today. Just thought I'd post something to get me up to my 20th post!

I've got this college exhibition on tomorrow. Just a day to get a bunch of leaflets. Supposed to really boring and usless but ah well, have to go!

So hopefully I'll have some stuff to write about tomorrow. I'm sure I will. Meeting loads of people at this exhibition thingymajig.

Oh, and I also have some bad news of the Argentinian guy who just joined my year. Apparently he's not so hot as I thought he was.
But I'll tell yas about that tomorrow.
I think it'll be a big post tomorrow.
I'm just too tired at the moment to really write something. I'm doing this post from my iPod and that's a bitch in itself!

Ah well.....

I'll love yas and leave yas!!

S xx

Writing, cute guys, and the VMAs................

2009-09-15T14:22:00.000-07:00

As I start my post today, I want to mention a few pieces of fantastic writing that I've discovered.

The first is on Formysake's page. It's called The closet under the stairs.

It's a beautifully sad coming out story.

Very touching! I think everyone should read it!!

The second page is Ryan Dilk's page. He has many fantastic bog posts. An

extremely good writer. I've been flicking through all his posts today and

he's got some great material.

I really think you should all check out these pages. They're brilliant!

***

Anywhoos................

My day has been rather uninteresting for the most part.

Got my schedule for my voice training this afternoon,

so that was kinda exciting!

A new guy started in my year today. He's from Argentina, and he's

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute!!!

Perfectly tanned and toned! Trying hard not to be so obvious in class,

but the drooling might give it away! lol

Also, did anyone see the VMA's???

Kanye West is an asshole! What the fuck did he think he was

doing doing that to Taylor Swift!?!? She's just a kid like!!!

If I was there I would have just punched him right in the face for

doing that to Taylor!

And I'm not normally a violent person!!

Anywhoo....They're my thoughts for the day......

Toodles! lol

(P.S Sorry for the crappy formatting! Blogger is in a mood and won't
let me space proberly!!! GRRRR!!!!)

S xx

strange, confusing, scary...................

2009-09-14T14:31:00.000-07:00

I'm exhausted!!!

Just back from training with a sprained ankle, pulled muscle in my side and very sore/tight hip joints!! Got ice-packs everywhere! Dunno what happened today?!? It wasn't even a particularly strenuous session!

Ah well.....just one of those days I suppose!!!

My day was a good one on the whole though.

I read in class(French) that in France, same sex couples have been able to marry since 1997! Thats amazing!! They're very far ahead of everyone else aren't they!?!? But if two men/two women are married they don't say that they are 'married', they say that they are 'paxed'! "Ils ont pacsé"(I think. I'm not that good at french. But it's something like that! lol).

That's actually kinda weird/strange/cool considering Homosexuality was illegal up until 1993!!! Wow, we're very old fashioned aren't we?!

Later on I was talking to my mum in the car on the way to training, and we were listening to the radio. They were discussing how Elton John was banned from adopting a child from an orphanage with his partner.

I asked my mum how she felt about that, and she said that when she thinks about it she doesn't think that they should because in her mind homosexuality is wrong. But then she went on to say that when she heres herself think that, she knows that she is wrong, but that is just how she was brought up. Its just the imprint that's left from her upbringing but she doesn't listen to it.

So now I'm kinda worried about coming out to her now! I know that she'll still love me no matter what, but will there always be a part of her mind that thinks that what I am is wrong??

That scares me............

Addiction.......

2009-09-13T09:30:00.000-07:00

I think I have a new addiction......THIS!!

I seem to always be on this blog!
It's like, I'm studying for a while and all of a sudden I've GOT TO check my blog/write something on my blog/read someone's blog!!

I started this blog to release my thoughts, or just to relax, but now it's like I've opened the gates and they won't close.
It's the whole bebo/facebook addiction type of thing all over again!!!! lol!!!

Or maybe it's just me and I have an addictive personality...........

All I know is that I've been on this blog for 8days and this is my 17th post!!!! :S

I honestly didn't think I'd have the attention span to keep posting!!! lol!!

I hope you guys(the few that are following this blog) are able to stay awake while reading. anyways!!!

********

Also, thanks to Fer, and Torchy for plugging me in their blog!! Thought I'd do the same even though I know I don't have as many followers!!! lol (Also, If anyone did plug me and you're not here just comment saying that you did, cause I think a few other people did but I'm too tired to remember right now!! lol

Anywhoos, talk cha later!!!

S xx

My pilgrimage........ugh.....

2009-09-12T13:34:00.000-07:00

Ok......I'm back from the pilgrimage!

A three and a half hour bus journey up, and the same back! And On top of that it was a three hour mass!!! 3 god damn hours!!!! Needless to say.....I'm shattered!!!
On a better note my solo went well! So I'm happy with that! It was very daunting however standing in front of all those people! The church was HUGE!!! The biggest one I've ever seen in Ireland!

There was also a very funny point in the mass where the priests stood in a circle and raised their hands and, I swear, I thought they were about to break out in chants and spells! I couldn't stop sniggering! Heehee!

Myself and two of the guys on the bus, suitably, had a discussion on faith and atheism. Normally I don't bother myself with such discussions but it turned out into a really interesting(an heated) discussion!! lol!!

****

P.S I want to thank those who comment on my posts!
   They're really lovely and helpful!!!
   I just want to say thank you!!!!!

xxx

"Friends"........

2009-09-11T15:02:00.000-07:00

I seem to be losing friends......

Not because they don't like me or anything, but because I seem to be pushing them away.

We had a gang of about 6 and I've lost about 4 for them over the summer.

I really thought that they would be the friends I come out to, but not anymore. I've found out that 3 of the girls are bitches and the guy is just an asshole. He's putting me down on everything I do. When I achieve something, he puts me down almost immediately.

The last friend of the gang left I havn't seen in a few weeks. I really don't want to lose him. He's my best friend and I hope that when I come out to him next week(hopefully) he'll accept me. I need someone to talk to.

I can't wait for college to meet new people who'll accept me and who'll stick by me.

I've really picked crap friends for the past few years.

And it sucks cause I've got noone to talk to about anything. Noone to help me through anything i'm going through.

*sigh*

Just 8 more months I guess......

Late notice!?!?!...........

2009-09-10T13:36:00.000-07:00

Ok! Kinda panicking!!!

Just got a call there from my music teacher asking me to sing solo at a church pilgrimage thing on Saturday. It'd be at the start in the Church where everyone goes before they set off on the pilgrimage. I know it's only a church thing and so it's not really a very big achievement, but there's gonna be 5000 people there!!! 5000!!!!
So, kinda nervous now!!!!!
So that means I have to travel for 4 1/2 hours on a bus and then walk for another god knows how long. Maybe I'll just slip away after my pieces!

I'm not even religious!!!!!

:S

Voice Training......

2009-09-10T11:44:00.000-07:00

Some good news!!

Finally! After almost a year of begging, My dad has agreed to get me voice training!

This is big because it's expensive and it's not even a special occasion! lol He never normally agrees to these things!

I'm really excited because I've got an audition for an opera next March, so hopefully I'll have improved by then!!!

The guy who's training me is a professor from the US. He's been like all around the world singing in groups and barbershop quartets.(And term 'professor' must be a good thing! lol)
Oh, and did I mention he's REALLY hot!! heehee! He looks kinda like Orlando Bloom....but slightly hotter!

"Things are looking up!"

It was going so well too.......

2009-09-09T14:26:00.000-07:00

I have been trying and trying to get over 'him' for a while now. And today has been the first day where I feel as though I've made some progress. So this can only mean good things yeah??
Well, I thought so.

You see, I'm going to see a few friends of mine in a production of the musical 'Footloose'. And I've found out he's going to be there. :( There is no way I'm going to survive this if I keep seeing him.
I knew I was going to see him in October because he's in another show that I'm going to see. But I thought I'd have time to try and get over him by then. Nope, not at this rate. Maybe I'll just try and avoid him. 'Try' being the operative word.

I know.....I'm sounding like a broken record now....'him' 'him' 'him'.......sorry for my whining!

It's just difficult ya know????
I have never felt like this before about anyone....this really sucks!!

.......sorry! :S

So....it's time......

2009-09-09T07:28:00.000-07:00

Ok. So I've decided.
It's time to come out. Well, begin to anyway.....

I've been thinking this over for a while and I've think I've figured out who, out of my friends, I can tell. It's surprisingly few, so that can tell you the caliber of friends I have. lol!
I've already come out to a few people in my 'other life', as I like to call it, where I do theatre and singing where, many people are out themselves and its as normal as having brown hair!

But, here, I'm talking about the friends I have in my normal life. 'Reality' basically!
I'm going to do it next week when I see them. REALLY nervous as I don't have any clue how my best friend will react. I think he's a bit homophobic to be honest, but I'm hoping he'll come around once I show him how normal it is, or try at least. Cause he;s my best friend and I don't want to lose another friend.

I think I'll tell my mum in a few weeks as well(but I don't know yet).
My dad?? I actually don't think I could ever pluck up the courage to tell him. He's a Muslim(mum's Irish), and isn't homosexuality like the devil's game in their eyes?? He's made very harsh terms against gays in the past and that's why I think if I told him our relationship would be effectively over.
Why has this got to be so hard!? Why, amongst all the other problems I have in my life, was I given this one to deal with too!?

*sigh*

.....this really is a f****d up world we live in...

Wwwwhhhyyy??????.............

2009-09-08T12:36:00.000-07:00

Whyyy....*tear*....why did this have to happen?!?!
It's so frustrating!!!! Argh!!!

I've lost my driver's license!!!!!
Now I've got to go down to the motor tax office, get a form, pay 8euros for two photos, and wait a week or two for a new one to be issued!
This is insanely annoying!!!!!!!

ARGH!!!

does time heal all wounds??......

2009-09-07T14:17:00.000-07:00

Ya know....this whole thing with 'my crush' is not going away. I know its only been 2days since I last posted about him. But I still feel as strong as ever about him. :(
I was recommended by another blogger to take the picture of him I have on my wall(it's a picture of him with me amongst many other pictures of a trip we were both on...lol...i'm not like a stalker or anything!), and I did. But to be honest. Just spending one whole day without seeing his picture as I come in and out of my room was just too hard. So, an hour ago I put it back up, and I felt alot better. I think this whole cold turkey thing ain't gonna work for me.

Maybe I need a relationship to get over him. But, I don't want to go into a relationship with a guy/girl just to get over someone else. I don't wanna string them along ya know.
UGH! I dunno anymore.
Methinks it's gonna take time.....

Gay bashing.....

2009-09-07T13:45:00.000-07:00

Bullies who bully gays. What is their problem???
Is it just cause we're different??? Is it just to affirm their masculinity???

I really can't stand it. Society has come so far as to have a women politicians, a black president and is now on the brink of social equality between everyone.
But how come the bashing and slagging is as bad as ever?! 'Gay' or 'Queer' are still widespread derogatory terms, used across the globe.

Is it the case that 'it gets worse before it gets better'??
I hope so, because at this rate there will be public hangings by 2020!!

sorry.....just ranting! :S

I'm liking this blog thing....

2009-09-07T08:13:00.000-07:00

Ya know, I started a blog a few months ago where I thought that I'd just post my thoughts on different things, films, books, my life. But to be honest, it didn't really take off. I deleted it last week with a grand total of 0 people following it! lol
I think what the problem was was that it wasn't really me talking. It had my mask on. I was talking about things to get my blog noticed. Current affairs, my life and media.
I posted, I think about 11 posts. Nadda!

But now, I set up this new blog without the mask on. I've talking about things that are close to me. About my 'real' life. Not to get my blog noticed, but to do the original thing that I had planned to do so many months ago...post my thoughts(as raw as they are). And already after 2 days. I've got three followers.

Maybe that's what was wrong with my last blog. It wasn't me, and I was trying too hard.

Advice to follow bloggers:

-Try. Don't get noticed.
-Don't be yourself. Don't get noticed.
-Be yourself and don't try. Get noticed.

Anyone else agree??............(I might be completely wrong! lol)......

'Were the world mine'.........

2009-09-06T12:30:00.000-07:00

I was recommended this film by one of my friends. Its a film about a boy called Timothy, who's recently 'come out' to his friends and family. He's bullied in school and his mum isn't particularly happy with his sexuality.
Timothy has a crush on the school's hot rugby player.
He auditions for his 'quirky' Shakespeare teacher's musical version of 'A midsummer's night dream'. He gets the lead.
While reading his script he discovers a spell of sorts that makes everyone he touches gay. He turns his crush gay, but then starts to turn everyone gay, with very funny effects.
Its funny and sad and, in my opinion, a great film. Plus, its got cute guys! lol

I've watched it once and plan on watching it again very soon!!
Very recommended!

wow.....school sucks...

2009-09-06T11:46:00.000-07:00

Ok....It's the first weekend after being back at school in 6th year and the amount of homework I've gotten is RIDICULOUS!
I had training after school on Friday so I couldn't really get into the work then. But then I started yesterday(Saturday) and I got about 3/4 of it done......in 4hours!!!!! And the rest done in two hours today. That's a total of 6 hours in the first weekend back at school!!
I don't know about you guys but I think that's kind of excessive!! lol

Well, I guess it does take my mind off "my crush" quite well(*see previous posts*). So that's good side-effect....i guess...

Gay marriage equality video........

2009-09-06T08:16:00.000-07:00

Found this great short-short film while I was browsing my Facebook. It's about gay marriage. Very well made!

My crush......:'(....(its a long one, sorry!)

2009-09-05T13:08:00.000-07:00

Hey blogpeoples!

Just wondering if there's anyone actually reading this blog? I know there's probably not, but just if there is, I wouldn't mind some advice???

Anywhoo.....back to my thoughts!
I've a crush. I've never had such a crush in my life..............and it sucks!
It's on a guy for one. He's gay. And he's just the most fantastic guy I've ever met in my life. And.......he's taken!

I first met at the start of the summer at the second rehearsal of an operetta I was in. I had heard that there was a guy my age(18) in the show as well and to be honest I was kind of dreading him coming. I think it was because of my experiences in school and in my area. If I were to picture ANY of the guys in my school or area rehearsing in the operetta I KNOW that they would ruin it for me. This was my place to escape all the misery of my 'normal' life and I didn't want anyone coming to mess it up.
So, the second rehearsal came and he put his wet jacket down on my seat before we began.......not the best start. I went to move it so I could dry my chair and he came over to take the jacket and apologise. I thought it would take a while to feel him out and see if he was just another idiot. But, the moment he started talking, the annoyance that I thought I would feel just did not come.
I found myself wanting to talk to him. It was weird. This was not what I expected at all. But I soon found out he didn't even care that I was there. And why should he? I was just another guy in the chorus.
I then find out he was a genius of sorts. He was 18 and he had just written and produced an entire musical!! He was spectacular at the piano and had an amazing raw soft voice that I just melted when I heard.

I then assigned myself the task of finding out if he was gay, because I had my suspicions. But I really wasn't getting any chances to talk to him. He had people he talked to because he knew them from past shows, and I had a few people who I had gotten to know. But WHY couldn't I have gotten to know him?!
So the weeks went on and on and we came to opening night of the show, still with barely any speaking. We all had our costumes on and I was at the stage door, standing next to him while the overture was playing(It was very long). And we started to talk! He was telling me about his piano and where he writes music. I just loved listening to him. I'm pretty big into music as well and really loved the fact that we shared this in common! But, alas, the overture ended and we didn't really speak for the rest of the performances. But I really felt as though I was falling for this guy. I kept telling myself it was just a crush and that I'd forget about him
after the show. But we were travelling abroad to perform the show as well so that was just going to prolong my suffering.
We got on the plane and he sat next to me! And we started talking again. He was soo nice to me! But I was getting really pissed off at this stage. He was acting so nice to me but any other time when I tried to talk to him he just acted like I didn't exist or he didn't like me! But as he kept on talking my anger kept washing away.
Why did he have such an effect on me?!?

That night after dinner a few of us including him were in the kitchen talking about who was gay in the cast.
HE WAS GAY! My heart lept and I was jumping for joy in my head. Then he adds that he had a boyfriend aswell.......my heart plummeted down to my stomach. I could not remember the last time I felt so dissappointed.
I left and went to bed and felt like crying. This was not like any other crush I had ever had.
The next day was the show. I really tried to avoid him and did so with some success. After the show in the bar we got talking again and the question came up if I was gay. I said I was bi. He was surprised and said he never thought that I was. We started talking for the rest of the night all the way till 6am. I was talking with him about stuff I would never talk about with anyone. I had never enjoyed a person's company so much! But the fact still remained that he had a boyfriend.
By the end of the next day we wernt talking as much and I didnt really talk to him at all untill we landed home at the airport. We collected our bags and we all started saying goodbye to one another. He came up to me and gave me a hug goodbye. I actually almost cried as I hugged him, because I just didn't think that he would ever think the same about me.

Wwe all left and now it's about a month later and I still miss him soooo much! I've got a few pictures of the two of us on my wall. I know it's not a good idea because it's just not helping me get over him. But the fact is that I do not want to get over him. I feel so lonely without him. I find myself jsut staring at his picture for ages. At this point I don't even care if he's taken! I just want to be part of his life as a friend at least!

Is this love or just a crush????

This is the most awfull feeling in the world.......help me.....

I'm Bi......took me long enough

2009-09-05T12:14:00.000-07:00

I'm Bi.
Finally, after about six years of wrestling with myself saying that it's only a phase, I have eventually accepted it. It is kind of an anti-climax though, isn't it??
Years, of struggling with my sexuality. "Am i gay? Am I straight?", nope, i'll settle for both! lol!

I think struggling with my sexuality for so many years made me quite shy around alot of people. I think I thought that if I got to close to anyone they might figure out what I am and stay away from me.
I think I really accepted it near the begging of this summer just gone. I had started rehearsing for an operetta in town and by looking a few perfectly normal gay guys I think something clicked in my head that I could, of course, lead a perfectly normal life as a bi guy. And, who knows? I might even pick a side in the next few years. But now, at this moment in time. I can say with complete honesty that I'm attracted equally to both guys and girls.
I thinks that it was my recent exposure to the world of musical theatre where I met many gay people that started me on my jouney to accepting me for who I am(listen to me, ha, kinda cheezy?!).
I started coming out to a few people as well since the start of the summer. As I grew more and more comfortable with myself I just started telling people. Well, not going out of my way to tell people that I was bi, but, if people asked me where I stood, I'd tell them. Not at school however. That would just be suicide! lol That's Irish schools for ya!

But there's always one problem that ya just cant fix isnt there?? Be it a friend that you thought would accept you or a family member that you know will not.
Well, my problem is the latter. I have an Irish mother(who I know will accept me when I eventually tell her) and a muslim father. Talk about throwing a spanner in the works!
My dad isn't really the best follower of his religion but one thing that I think has been ingrained into his blood, just by his upbringing, is the the "death to homosexuals" mentality. I really don't think I could ever tell him. I know for a fact that he would not accept me. My relationship with him has not been that strong anyway for the past few years, so that just makes it that much worse. So, that'll be my problem to try and figure out over the next few months.

Life sucks......stick to theatre

2009-09-05T11:37:00.000-07:00

Ya know, if anyone does start to read this blog I just want to let ya know that I probobly wont be a great poster, or a great writer. This is just somewhere where I thought I'd let my thoughts out ya know??

Well, my background. I'm a young bi Irish guy who hasn't really been liking his life for, let's see....i dunno....a couple of years??
I guess it starts with school I guess. I'm in a crappy secondary school full of scumbags(excuse my language but there really arent any pleasent words for these people). Therefore, dont have many friends at school and my area for that matter. My area is pretty much the same as its in the same area as the school. So I was never really given a chance! lol!
Now, dont get me wrong or anything, I'm a nice guy. Not annoying. Good personality. Not ugly. I'm sporty. Do well enough in school so as not to be considered an idiot, but not soo well as to be considered a nerd or anything. I'm just normal. Dont really fall into any stereotype. I just clash with most of the personalities around me I guess. I've had friends. REALLY great friends. But they've turned out to be awfully superficial and not "REALLY great friends".
And to top that all off, since the start of secondary school I've been trying to deal with the fact that I'm bi.

So, yeah. That's kinda been the deal for the last six years of my life, more or less.

But, last year. An oppourtunity came. I was given a role in a school musical production. I was one of the supporting leads. And, the minute I stepped foot onto the stage I fell in love with it. From there my director told me of an amateur musical show being done in a theatre in town. I lept at the chance of course. Met the most amazing people and my love of theatre grew. From there another director contacted me and asked me to do another show in a different theatre in town. Again, I jumped at the chance! There, some people were not as nice. But my love of the stage did not dimish. Over the summer I found several theatre workshops. Met fantastic directors and MDs(Musical Directora).
I went into an operetta from there where we travelled abroad to perform. That show was where I met THE most amazing people. Fun loving, caring, kind people. Young and old. They were amazingly talented. I felt so happy to be apart of their show. I think it was there that I realized that I want to do this for the rest of my life.

There's someting about theatre that just let me get "away from it all", ya know??
Maybe it was the putting on a costume where I could have someone else's life for a few hours a day, for a few days. Or maybe it was the amazing people that I could REALLY be myself around. I think it was a combination of the two though.
I now count down the last few months of school untill I'm free to really embrace this life I've been missing for so many years.