Sunday, November 22, 2009

A startling day.......

So,

I went to my BeLonGTo meeting today. I got the bus and had to walk for, like, 20mins in the rain and SERIOUS wind! But I eventually made it!
So I sat down in the little café part of the building. And started talking to a guy I met at the last meeting. So that was nice.
From there I met a youth worker who I hadn't seen before. She was lovely! Very friendly!
And then was introduced to a German guy my age who was really nice 2.
So my hesitancy that I mentioned in my last post didn't seem to be a factor at all.

Then, a girl walked in while I was talking to the German guy. I only noticed and caught a glimpse of her when she walked by and down th stairs. She had dyed red hair and that was very familiar. I kept talking to the German guy and all of a sudden I hear "*Lonelyboy*????"
I looked around it turned out that the girl with the red hair was the same girl from my taekwondo class!!!! I didn't get a good look at her at the start and that's why I didn't realize earlier.
I was gobsmacked! I honestly never expected her to be gay!!!
We started talking and she was saying that she has been going to B2 for a while now.
I was actually really glad I knew her cause that's given me an actual friend I can talk to at the meetings!
I'm so extatic now!!!
Yey!!!


So anyways, at the meeting we had a transexul workshop for th last hour and a half.
They are always having workshops, apparently, on various topics such as transexuality, homosexuality, safe sex, and other stuff.

Tbh, I was quite ignorant to transexuality. I never knew anything about it or what it entailed.
I found out that last Friday was Transexual Memorial Day around the world.
A startling statistic is that almost 200 transexual people have been murdered around the world in the past 12 months! That's such a shocking figure!
Another one is that the average life expectancy of a transexual person is 24!!!! Because of such high suicide rates!
That is extremely sad!!


I learned quite alot today the workshop. And am very glad I met the girl from taekwondo.

Ugh, now I've got to go to bed to get some sleep for my exams tomorrow. :(
I am sooooooo unprepared!!!

Ugh,

Ah well!!

C yas later!!!!!!


Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Hesitant, wonderful...........

So,

I'm lying here in bed. Annoyed at the fact that the videos feature on my iPod isn't working for some reason, and now I can't watch 'xmen origins' in bed. :( it's such a gud movie. I was really looking forward to it!! Grr!!

Ugh,
Ah well,

***

I've got my BeLonGTo meeting later on!
I'm kinda hesitant going now.
Like, I feel awkaward going by myself and therefore feel like I'm intruding or clinging to people when i'm there.
Ugh!!!!! Why can't this just be easy?!?!?!?

***

My November exams started on friday. They were called chrstmas exams but now they've pulled them back slightly.
Anyways, I had maths and french on Friday, and i 'should' be studying for Irish and Applied Maths on Monday. But I'm soooo lazy!! Lol
Instead, I'm going to New Moon tomorrow! I absolutely LOVE the books!! Can't wait!!!!

Oh, also,
When i was studying in the school library on Friday, there were two new German exchange students sitting across from me. They were sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hot!!!!!!! One was blonde with just a perfect slim body with clothes that just hung on him perfectly! The other was a classic European hottie! Slim, lockes of brown hair and just a perfect face!
I had to force myself to stop staring at them for fear of being caught! Lol

***

Anywhoos,

Yeah, that's my news for today.

Oh, can I just add that Ethan from ABlackClosetCase one of the nicest people I have ever had the good fortune of talking to. I was emailing him over the weekend and he is just sooo kind and generous!
I can't get over what a fantastic
person he is!!!

*HUGS* to you Ethan!!!!!!!!




Anyways!!
I'm off!

Love you guys!!!!


Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

My medals!.........

So,

I arrived back from Cork, from the International Irish Taekwondo Championships late Sunday night. I was sooooooo exhausted! And i still am! All day yesterday I was dozing off in every class in school.
I was exhausted!! :S

Anywhoo, I went down to the champs in the car with my mum at 4am in the morning. We arrived in good time. Didn't get lost too much!
We went into the stadium and met up with the rest of my team. I went and got changed and got registered.
Then I went down to the mats and waited for my patterns section to begin.
I was called up and performed my pattern well, I thought. I got through to the next round and then to the next round. I won that and was into the semi-final! Then halfway through the semi-final the guy who I was up against(we do our own indiviudal patterns next to one another, it's not sparring!) collapsed right next to me. I, not knowing what th hell I was supposed to do, just carried on. That seemed like the right thing to do. Then I hesitated for a second when I saw paramedics rush over! Then I heard my coach yell over to me: "DON'T STOP *lonleyboy*!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KEEP GOING!!!" lol!
So I kept going and finished my pattern and ended up "obviously" winning the semifinal and got into the final(I know the guy fainted and all but I honestly think I woul have beaten him either way. He wasn't the best I've seen). Anyway, I stepped onto the mats for the final and ended up winning that to take a gold medal!!! That's right! National Irish Colourbelt Champion! :D
And when i was being awarded my medal the head judge complimented me on my pattern! I didn't recognize him as i had not met him before but my coach said at the end that he was an Italian master(can't remember his name) who is "top notch"! Lol
So I was quite proud of myself for that.

Then it was on to the sparring. I was called and I beat my first opponent easily. My second opponent was not so easy. He really pushed me hard but in to end I won! The next round was the semifinal where I was up against a much higher belt rank. I went into the ring not expecting to win. I let this attitude get to me and even though halfway through i realized that I could beat him, it was too late. He won. But I came out with a very respectable bronze medal.

Here're the gold an bronze medals:




Also, i thought you guys might like to see the two silver medals I was awarded when I represented Ireland at the European Chanpionships in Croatia over the summer:




So, yeah, a fun weekend! Lol


***

Oh, I think I've found two friends that I can come out to. They're both girls and I didn't realize that they weren't "friends" but they were in fact friends.
So, I hope next time I see them I'll tell them.
I'm pretty sure they'll be ok with it.
In fact, i'm certain of it!
:D


***

Talk to yas later!!!!



S xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Saturday, November 14, 2009

My weekend.....

So,

I'm travelling down to Cork tomorrow to compete at the International Irish Taekwondo Championships! It's the best taekwondo tournament in the country and one of the best in Europe! Competitors from all over Ireland compete as well as competitors from England, france, Scotland, Netherlands and Spain!
I can't wait! Last year I won a gold medal in patterns and a silver in sparring. Hoping for a repeat in the patterns and to do well in the sparring cause I want my coach to be proud of me(cheesy I know, but he's one of the guys I most respect and yearn for his approval!).

So I'm kinda nervous. It's sooo nerve-wrecking having your name called and stepping onto the mats in front of a huge stadium!!

The downside is that I miss tomorrow's BeLonGTo meeting!! Grr!! I'm really pissed off about that but the IITCs are pretty important.
Anywhoos, wish me luck with that!! :D

***

I also want to ask you guys a question.
What do you guys think about meeting someone from over the Internet?? Like one of those 'looking for...' websites.
I'm not looking for approval or anything, I don't have any profiles on any of those sites.
But a guy I know did meet his boyfriend on a site called 'gaydar'. I was thinking "can you really find a genuine person on those websites?? Wouldn't you be judged when people ask??
I dunno.
I was never into these things.
Just wanted your guys opinions!

***
I also wanted to say congratulations to Pierre who came out to his mom the other day!!
According to a quick 'tweet' he wrote "it" went ok.

It takes alot of courage to do what he did.
I wish I had that kind of courage..

Looking forward to his next post to find out what happened!

*HUGS!!!*

***


Anywhoos,

Wish me luck tomorrow!


Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thursday, November 12, 2009

A setback.....

Ok,

So, a little bit of a set back in my coming out plans....

I'm watching 'Bones' on tv at the moment and my sister said to my mum that she "dosn't know what's up with Angela. First she was straight, then she was gay, now she's straight again" and then my mum responded by saying "yeah, I can't stand people like that. You either like guys or you like girls".






So I'm sitting here slightly pissed off. That's quite a setback in my plans for coming out to her.
I kinda thought she would be okish with me telling her but now, ugh, there's gonna be much more complications than I thought there would be.

Ugh, this sucks.....

I'm gonna finish watching 'Bones' and then behing to rewrite my plans.....*sigh*....


Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx



Monday, November 9, 2009

My guard........

So,

Another day gone.....

I've been thinking about my whole 'being bi' situation and going to BeLonGTo and whatnot all day. And I think that going to B2 yesterday has kind of given me that complete acceptance of myself. It's shown me how much of a "normal" life I can lead. It's shown me who are the type of friends i should make, instead of the hypocritical bullshitters i had for friends!
But tbh, along with all this acceptance of myself I think my 'guard' has dropped a bit. The guard I have built for myself over the past 5/6 years has weakened significantly.....after just one day!!!! Argh!!! My full personality is shining through but i don't want it to yet. I'm not ready for everyone to see me yet.
I know i'm fine with my sexuality now but I could never come out to my school! If I were to come out the abuse I would get would never end and I'd end up spiraling into another depression which I'm only pulling myself out of right now! I think after my final exams of this year(the start of summer 2010) I'll be coming out to pretty much everyone. I'll be taking part in next summer's 'Pride parade' with B2 and everything! And I'm looking forward to that!

Just back from taekwondo and I'm shattered! (Was such a tough session today!) But when I was getting changed in the changing rooms I was thinking that I don't think I could really ever come out to my club. It's a place where testosterone rules, and any kind of "weakness" would lessen the respect the group would have for me. And tbh I'm not angry at them for that. It's 'that' type of place and the guard and mask i wear is 'part and parcel' of the sport if you will.

So I think that there are times and situations where it's alright to "lie" about your sexuality. And I know alot of people won't agree with me but unfortunately that's the kind of world we live in at the moment and we have to adapt to what is accepted and what is not(on a small scale level, like in the sports hall).

But then again you could argue the fact that if we don't fight for the small things we won't get anywhere with the big things......

But hey.....I'm just rambling, writing my thoughts down.

Sorry if I'm not being that clear.

Just a few thoughts.......


Anywhoos.......

Talk to yas l8r!!!!

Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, November 8, 2009

What a day!!!..........

Wow,

What a day??
The group was better than i could have ever suspected!!!!

**

I got on the bus earlier to head into the meeting and I actually felt sick. I honestly thought I was going to chicken out.

I got off the bus and spent like half an hour looking for the building. Luckily I gave myself an hour in anticipation of me getting lost!
But when I did find the BeLonGTo building it was the wrong building! It was their offices rather than their meeting place! But luckily there was a leader their on his way to the meeting. So he brought me to the building. We talked as we walked across the bridge to the other building and he was really nice. That kinda settled my nerves.
We arrived at the building where there were two girls outside talking. They were my age and I found out that they were two young faciltators. The guy I who brought me to the building handed me over to them and they gave me a tour of the building. They were sooo friendly! They talked to me and really made me feel good and not nervous.
I talked to them for a while and met another guy my age(who's also a young facilitator) and he was really nice as well(and really cute!!!!! Lol) and then we went back to the main room where more people had arrived. So I sat down with the two girls and talked with then for a while. Then the 'cute guy' sat down with us for a while as well. He was really nice as well.

Then we all went down to the basement where they went through 'the news' and played an icebreaker game. That was nice. We then went upstairs and we played a table quiz where I met some new people. A guy and a girl both around my age. They were REALLY nice! We came third in the quiz and then they invited me out to have a bite to eat with both of them. We talked for ages. They were people I think that I could be really good friends with.

I had such a good time!
There were three or four people in the group of about 30 who I think were quite annoying and mightn't get along with but sure there are always people like that so that's fine!

It was such a great day and I'm soooo glad I didn't get scared and chicken out!
It was a place where I could totally be myself. Fantastic!!
Can't wait to go back!!

What a fantastically perfect day!!!!

Thanks guys for all of your support!!

S xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Here I go.......

So,

I'm on my way into town to go to the BeLonGTo meeting!!

I seriously see myself chickening out......

Why must I do this?! Why must my life have turned out in such a way where I have to go to this?!

My hands are shaking......

Ugh......wish me luck!!!! :S

Sxxxxxxxxxxxx

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Nervous, wrecked and emotional.........

So,

I've got my BeLonGTo meeting tomorrow.....I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo nervous!!
Will it be as good as I'm hoping it will be??
Will it help me??
Will there be really nice people there or just a bunch of jackasses???
I'm actually expecting myself to chicken out when I get to the building tomorrow.....ahhhh!!!
PLEASE don't let it be dissappointing!!

Ugh....anyways I'll keep you guys updated with what happens!

****

Anywhoos.....I'm just back from a Taekwondo master class with the one and only Tomaz Barada!! He is AMAZING!!!
He is the Hurcules of the Taekwondo world! He makes everything seem so effortless! Here's a pic of him teaching the juniors today(ps. I'm not a junior therefore NOT in the pic! Lol)........




He does that effortlessly!!!
I learned soo much from him today! I'm COMPLETELY WRECKED!!! My legs and arms are on fire! Maybe a nice long shower might be nice........anywhoo he's running a two day master class in my club ^^, but I could only go today cause of the belongto meeting tomorrow :( ah well!

He is Tomaz Barada... 3 times world Taekwon-Do champion, 6 times European
Taekwon-Do champion, Pro kickboxing world champion, retired 84 fights
- 0 losses...

What more can be said?!

And on top of that he's a REALLY nice guy! Sooo cool!!

He runs a training camp in in the summer in Sardinia(where he's from) so I plan on going there next summer! Hurrah!!

****

On another note,

I've realized that over the past year I've become REALLY emotional!
Like, very small things set me off!
I almost cried during 'Enchanted' when she starts singing in the park ffs!!!! What's up with that!
All stuff like that and more sets me off really easily! Ugh....slightly annoying!! Grr!
Ah well!

****

Yeah, so.....that's today's post over and done with.......let's hope I'll have an interesting(good type of interesting) post after tomorrow!!

Luv yas!!!

S xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Go AWAY!!!!!.........

So,

There's this girl I went out with last year for like 4 months. She ended up breaking it off and i was fine with that cause tbh I wasn't to crazy for her and it was quite a boring relationship.

Now since about mid summer she's just been texting me non-stop!
She just won't take a hint!

I DO NOT want to get back with her for a number of reasons:
1. She's sooo boring!
2. She's sooo clingy!
3. I'm not particularly fond of her!
4. I want a GUY at the moment! Lol!

I keep dropping hints that i'm just not interested but she's either clueless or just ignoring them!

I can't really tell her I'm into guys at the moment cause she'll just get upset and tell her friends and they'll tell their friends and eventually it'll make it's way back to my school which I DON'T want!(yes, she's that type of girl).
And I don't particularly want to tell her out straight that I'm not interested cause shes very sensitive and gets upset really easily! Grr!!

So......my plan: find and bf and say to her I've met someone and she'll give up on me!!

......................

.......lol.....easier said than done!!!! Haha!!

S xxxx

Monday, November 2, 2009

One nervous phonecall.........

So,

I just rang BeLonGTo an asked them about their groups.
I was SOO nervous! My hands were shaking and my throat was completely dry!
And that's only a phonecall!!!!
I dunno how I'm gonna cope with the actual group! I'll probably faint as I walk in the door!!!


They meet on Mondays from 3-6pm in town.
The guy on the phone sounded really friendly, so that was kinda reassuring.

Ahh I'm soooo nervous!!!! And I have to wait 6DAYS!!!! 6 days of nervousness!!!
That's also 6 days where I won't have anything else on my mind and I won't get any homework done!!!!

Ugh........why has this gotta be so hard?!

But I'm glad I'm finally doing something!!

:D

Sxxxxxx